SO YOU'VE BEEN MISPERCEIVED AS A HOMOSEXUAL
or, "Am I a fauxmosexual?"
What is a red-blooded heterosexual male to do? Herewith The Management presents a guide to help men in such straits (*snort*) better present their true natures:
To convince your homosexual friends that you are not playing for the same team as they:
To convince your heterosexual friends of your good standing:
- Chew tobacco. Messily.
- Sport a mullet, especially if you have fine, thin, greasy hair.
- Fix cars. Greasily.
- Wear clothes you think flatter your body.
- Never let your straight friends know you have gay friends (see "Seinfeld" and the "Worlds Collide" syndrome). You're just asking for trouble.
- Gillian Anderson is always a safe fantasy to share with other heterosexuals. She bears no gay "stigma" a la many other female performers (see Madonna, Marilyn Monroe,
The Backstreet Boys Britney Spears et al) and she's viewed as an attainable image worthy of emulation by other women).
- Under no circumstances are you ever to dance, unless it's under extreme duress and forceful protest. Unless you're Patrick Swayze. Even then, you must do a movie in drag as penance.
- If you do find yourself in a situation that requires dancing, make it unromantic, clumsy, and painful.
- Commit suicide if you discover that you are the last male dancing.
- Every woman sees you as the paragon of masculinity. Even lesbians. Especially the lesbians in porno. Most especially lesbians who say they hate men.
- Never, ever declare your heterosexuality in any defensive tone of voice. Sooner or later someone will knowingly smile your way and state they think the lady doth protest too much (See J. Edgar Hoover, Roy Cohn, et al).
Or, to easily satisfy both sides of the fence when challenged, politely smile and say, "I apologize, but I don't believe my choice of partner is any of your business... if, in fact, it were any of your business, why, YOU'D ALREADY KNOW."