I don't do Halloween, or more specifically, trick or treat. In recent years, kids have become more demanding, more rude, the costumes less creative, and the parents more insistent that I provide their "cute" children with sugar, despite every polite indicator I could think of to give that the house is not contributing to this dubious annual event.

The first year I decided not to honor this tradition, I simply didn't put a jack-o'-lantern out front, turned off all the lights in the front of the house, and placed a large sign on the door that stated, simply "Sorry, no candy". This merely led to parents pounding on the door screaming, "We know you're in there! Open up!".

The second year, I carved a huge erect penis into a pumpkin along with the words TRICKS ONLY, and placed it on my front porch. This subtlety flew over the heads of nearly all the adults, though some children wondered why there was a "peepee on a pumpkin" at this house. Still, this didn't stop rude people from invading my privacy, and that year, my house got egged. Got some interesting looks from some cute teenaged boys, though. See you when you're 18, kiddios.

Last year, I left a bowl of vodka filled chocolates on the doorstep. Since I didn't get arrested, I figure I either turned the neighborhood children into alcoholics, or furthered their parents disease. However, the pounding continued, and the parents were even more belligerent, calling me a "motherfucker" under their breath when I didn't answer the door.

And still, even though I've lived in this neighborhood for nearly seven years, parents don't think to avoid this house.

So, this year, I decided to be truly evil. Every light in the house is blazing. The front door stands wide open. A cute little pumpkin sits at the end of my driveway.

And I've rolled my television into the entryway hall, pointing it right at the entrance to my house. Just a screen door stands between it ... and the corruption and death of innocence for all neighborhood children whose parents just don't get the message after all these years.

It's playing, at full volume, the raunchiest gay pornography I could find in my collection. The sounds of shocked and horrified parents are truly ... delicious.

(post-event) Evil Rating: 9.5 out of 10 -- corrupting the morals of minors, shocking the delicate sensitivites of demanding parents of said minors, and wreaking chaos throughout the neighborhood, with nary a reprisal in sight. Hah! 1/2 a point off, since I may actually have done some good by giving fantasy fodder to someone in the closet.

UPDATE 10-31-2001 -- not a soul came knocking on our door this year. Unfortunately, I believe this lack of visitors is due not to my own evil, but the far greater evil of others.

Next year, I think I'll welcome the little rugrats to my home.

UPDATE 10-31-2002 -- I don't know if anyone came by the house. I had to work late. Sigh.

UPDATE 10-31-2003 -- I was in no fit mood to even recognize it was Halloween. So fuck 'em.

UPDATE 10-31-2004 -- I live in Texas now, where it's much more likely someone would either shoot me or convert me to worship Jesus for the kind of shenanigans I was up to in California, so I spent a sedate evening drinking port and grilling portobello mushrooms with my cousin at her house while they passed out candy.

UPDATE 10-31-2005 -- I got into a fight with my mom over how the business is being run. Kids smashed the pumpkins she'd set out in her yard all over the driveway. I win!