Several years ago while in college where inspiration ran deep through my blood it occurred to me (with some sort of external influence no doubt) that I'm really only cut out for one line of work. Now granted, I find myself wholly fulfilled, challenged, needed and loved in my present line of work but something is missing... something greater than me... something connected to the whole of human consciousness... and then I remembered.

I'm a Professional Monster at heart.

It's so simple. How could I have forgotten this dream, this aspiration...?

So if any of you fellow noders out that have youngins that are getting out of line, youngins who lack imagination, youngins who should feel afraid of the dark (cause lordy there are real monsters out there), or youngins you're just afraid are gonna grow up to be middle management... call me. I'm the right monster for the job.

Imagine yourself having a nice homey meal in your Central Park West duplex. Little Timmy is eating his peas like a good little boy. While daddy distracts Timmy with some charming father-son bonding mommy sneaks out of the kitchen to let me in the door.

Sneaking quietly like a good little monster, painted green from head to toe and wearing a nice snug loincloth I slink up the stairs to Timmy's room. Once there, lotsa foot stamping and door slamming is necessary.

Mommy: "Timmy, whatever could be going on in your room?"
Timmy: "I dunno." Daddy: "What don't you go find out son?" Timmy: "Okay."

At the first sign of encroaching child, I'd hide cleverly where the lad could never find me... In the closet. The room, of course, is a mess by this point. And little Timmy's closet is standing just ever so slightly ajar, swaying back and forth.

Not being brave enough to really test the waters, Timmy would need Mommy and Daddy. Coming to their treasured son's cries for help, not only would Mommy and Daddy find no sign of me (even when looking in the closet), they would certainly feel the need to scold Timmy on his terrible cleanliness skills.

So the poor lad is put to work straightaway. Meanwhile I bide my time. Soon enough, being the smart lad he is, he's going to decide to just shove everything into the closet. Oh course I'm there, hunched over, playing with Timmy's pokemon cards and picking my teeth with Pikachu.

"Ahhhhhhhhahhh"

Boom. That kid's outa there. And of course, so am I... time to retire in Mommy and Daddy's room for a while and make myself scarce... By the time Mommy and Daddy get to little Timmy's room... there's no trace of me, no trace save for the saliva covered Pikachu lying chewed on the floor.

"Now Timmy, if you can't take better care of your toys, there won't be any more Pokemon."

More noises ensue from Timmy's room through the night. But Mommy and Daddy make sure not to let Timmy go back up to his room... "Why Timmy, you know there's nothing there."

Bedtime: teeth brushed, pajamas on, story read, tucked into bed....

"Mommy?"
"Yes Timmy?"
"Would you check in my closet for me to make sure there aren't any monsters in there?"
"Of course dear."

Mom hurries over to check the closet... of course i'm in there... "Coast is clear honey... i don't see a thing."
"Thanks mom!"

"Goodnight Mom! I love you"
"I love you Timmy. Now, sweet dreams."

Let's let an hour pass with occasional closet door movements, squeekings... then silence... another hour... then: closet light on. A small peep issues from Timmy, and I let the door slowly open... and out I come...... (for the reading audience at home, i'm sorry you'll miss the monster dance... it's quite a sight) ...arms out in capture mode, knees wildly kicking up in the air like mad, occasional whooping noises and cries...

"Mommy! Mommy! Help!"

The sound of frantic parents running... bedroom door flying open...

"Timmy! What's wrong?!?"
"Monster! Monster!"
"What? Where?"

Timmy points a shakey finger right at me - Mommy stares blankly right through me...

"Why Timmy - there's nothing there. And what's this closet light doing on? You should never waste electricty young man."

Switches the light off, blanketing the room again in darkness.

"Now. Go to bed."