Just another letter I am not going to send. Pain. Suffering. Phoey!

Me: confused because I never asks questions when I’m given an explanation.
I always do this, there is probably nothing wrong but I think too much…

Now I can’t even remember what you said on the phone the other day, but you said something about you not wanting another “L”. I didn’t really know what you meant and I got thinking about it for a while, ending with me writing this letter…

I thought hey, what the fuck then? You want to keep me around, but you don’t want to open up to me? I’m your good friend, but now you can’t let me in any deeper then any other guy is? You can tell me about “L”, but any other part of your life is none of my business?

Yep, I’m being selfish, suspicious and annoyed at probably nothing. Hell, I know you’re "talking" to me, I remember the party on Saturday. And you might be sick of receiving these letters. But something is not right. Something is quite wrong. You don’t want to tell me things anymore, you have no real desire to just come and tell me about your funny, crazy, upsetting or fucked up day, and this gets me all worked up because that is a part of our friendship I place tremendous value on. Not that you have to, but you have suddenly stopped and it freaks me out.

Maybe I should have asked you to spend the day with me instead of you going to Barr Smith, because then we could have talked and I would have been ok. But I didn’t because even though I wanted you to come and rescue me, I’d rather you do your work… we’re year 12s after all. I really did want you to come get me and next time I will ask you to do just that because even though I said no, I really did need you then.

Speaking of year 12, I’m in a time where I need you the most! I really do… and if you are cutting me out in any way at all, you picked a really fucked up time to do it. Then again I guess you can do what you want, and if I mean that little to you then just go ahead, because I’m no fucking Gatsby.

I guess I’m lonely, I think the last time I think I talked to you properly was the day I came over when we were in your house, right before the La Porchetta thing.

I am thinking that we aren’t ever going to go anywhere or hangout again. This is the way my mind works… I can’t cope unless a see a way to solve a problem. Yes, I do want come over your house and drink coffee to do absolutely nothing. I do want to go out in to Adelaide or Salisbury at day or night and fuck around. I do want to go swimming Saturday mornings and set it aside specially, fuck all my obligations, JUST because I want to spend time with you. I want you to come to me with a problem and expect advice…

So if what you’re doing is making sure we don’t do these things anymore, tell me. If you are doing it just because you think I’ll become another “L”, well your philosophy sucks and all you're doing is fucking with my head so stoppit. The reason I am worrying about it is because if you choose to cut me out, I will feel so fucking empty and ALONE.

I know you aren’t going anywhere physically, but come on, who do I want to talk to the most? I don’t want to go anyone else but I will have to if you don’t want to talk to me. It seems more and more that many other guys besides the ones you already talked to are just as good as friends with you as I am and it makes me fucking jealous, just because. You never said I was number 1, but I am jealous because I can’t get the same type of attention they can.

If you appreciate our friendship, show it to me, because I need you. If you don’t want to give me as much anymore, it’s your choice but it hurts. Please don’t place me at a distance, I just want my friend back same as she ever was!