(Rumor has it director Bryan Singer walked off the project after reading this, the first draft of the screenplay. Only the scenes which feature substantial variation from the finished shooting script have been excerpted here.)
SCENE 2: INT. GREY HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
XAVIER: Hello, Jean. You seem like a bright child. Tell us about yourself.
JEAN: Well, I immediately know what everyone around me is thinking, and I'm powerful enough to lift dozens of cars with my mind, so naturally, I'm very pissed off all the time.
XAVIER: Who wouldn't be. Can you fly?
JEAN: Of course. I just never feel like it.
MAGNETO: This girl's gonna go places, I can tell.
SCENE 5: EXT. BATTLEFIELD (DANGER ROOM) - NIGHT
STORM: As your field leader, children, it is my responsibility to teach you tactical strategies and how best to effectively synthesize your various talents.
COLOSSUS: What's your first order?
STORM: Everyone run frantically in all directions! That should help.
ICEMAN: This is so much more educational than sitting in class could ever be.
KITTY: Bobby, let me hug you so that missile will pass right through you!
ICEMAN: Okay, but... wouldn't it pass right through me anyway, since this is the Danger Room?
KITTY: Mmmmaybe. But I like doing it this way, because you're all hot, I mean, warm.
ICEMAN: No, I'm not. My body temperature is minus ten degrees Celsius.
KITTY: Oh, you.
ICEMAN: Hey, I thought you were into Colossus.
KITTY: What? You must be thinking of some other Kitty Pryde from some comic-related book type thing that no one cares about.
ICEMAN: Okay, so say I were to have sex with you, and you kept phasing in and out. Would that be a plus, or... just weird?
KITTY: How do I know? What am I,
Joss Whedon?
STORM: Children! This battle strategy is not succeeding as I had anticipated! We must adapt!
ROGUE: What should we do?
STORM: Everyone run frantically TOWARD the Sentinel! That should help.
ROGUE: I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Cyclops.
WOLVERINE: Teamwork is for sucks! I can totally handle my own film franchise! Watch as I hack the head off the Sentinel all by myself.
COLOSSUS: But... we couldn't watch. It happened offscreen.
WOLVERINE: Oh, too bad. Hey, unrelatedly, did you guys hear how many millions I got paid to be in this thing? Cigars, anyone?
SCENE 12 - INT. WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM - NIGHT
TRASK: Mr. President, we've finally succeeded in capturing three of the most dangerous mutants in the country.
PRESIDENT: Excellent! Let's put them in a metal truck and send them right through where Magneto lives!
TRASK: Sir, are you sure that's wise?
PRESIDENT: Don't question my orders! I'M THE DECIDER!
TRASK: But why not just keep the prisoners locked up in our secure plastic prisons?
PRESIDENT: No. That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!
TRASK: I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Nightcrawler.
PRESIDENT: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!
SCENE 18: INT. MANSION MEDICAL ROOM - DAY
WOLVERINE: Professor! Storm! Jean just tried to hump me! Clearly she's gone mad!
XAVIER: I always feared this day would come. She's become the Phoenix, a creature of unbridled joy, desire, and passion, and haunted house cliches!
WOLVERINE: Yeah, she made the drawers go in and out all by themselves!
XAVIER: Spoooooooky, wasn't it?
WOLVERINE: I think she killed Scott!
STORM: You think? Should we go look for him?
WOLVERINE: Why? I hate that dick.
STORM: Well I for one would like to be certain, if only because his leadership skills in the field trounce mine. If only we had some type of computer that could instantaneously locate any mutant on the planet!
XAVIER: We do. It's called Cerebro. It's down at the other end of the hall.
STORM: All the way down
there? Forget it. Call the tombstone engravers!
XAVIER: Didn't you used to have a South African accent?
STORM: Maybe. I forget. I won an Oscar, you know.
SCENE 26 - INT. GREY HOME - JEAN'S BEDROOM - DAY
XAVIER: Jean, please know that I never meant to harm or belittle you. Those mental blocks were simply my way of protecting you and everyone you loved from your spooooooky lamp hurling powers.
JEAN: You are too late, Professor, for I am now the Phoenix, a creature of unbridled joy, although I never smile, and desire, which is to sit alone in my parents' house, which I hated. Ultimate power RULES!
XAVIER: Please come back home, Jean. We need you for the third act. You're the only one powerful enough to fight Magneto.
MAGNETO: I resent that! I bet I can be taken out by people much weaker than her!
TATTOOED HO: It's true! She's the only CLASS FIVE mutant on the planet! Magneto's only a Class Four, with a plus three tenths armor modifier!
XAVIER: Where are you getting these arbitrary numbers from? Are we supposed to believe it's part of your power to know these things?
TATTOOED HO: No, I just got the trading card set from Topps.
XAVIER: Ah. Well, anyway, Jean, you see my point. With all that power, you should fight someone. Maybe a Sentinel. That reminds me: Did you kill Scott?
JEAN: Scott? The love of my life? Who can remember these things. All I know is that, as a creature of unbridled passion, I feel nothing and respond to nothing.
XAVIER: Oh, that's not true Jean. I'm sure you'd feel sad if I were to pass away.
JEAN: Hmm. Let's find out.
XAVIER: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
JEAN: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.
XAVIER: Fly, you fools!
MAGNETO: That's my line!
JEAN: Dust bunny power go!
WOLVERINE: Anyone else wanna roll that up in a cigar and see if it expands our mental powers? You know what I'm talkin' bout.
(The above scene is scratched out with a crayon and a note below it reads: "Too much talking! We should do it like Scanners, with staring! Scanners r00ld! -B. Rat.")
SCENE 36: INT - FOREST - DAY
PYRO: You should have let me kill Xavier.
MAGNETO: You were his faithful student like two weeks ago.
PYRO: Clearly I've changed so much, sir. But there's one thing I don't understand.
JEAN:
One thing...?
PYRO: Why are we hiding in the woods where your powers can't defend us? Couldn't you build us a giant castle in the mountains in like two minutes?
MAGNETO: I suppose so. But all these punk goth kids really like to camp out. Hey, unrelatedly, did you hear how many millions
Halle Berry got paid to be in this thing?
JEAN: Magneto, you're only the leader because I let you be. I'm way more powerful than you. By a whole integer.
MAGNETO: Surely our goals our the same, Jean. We both want to destroy this "cure" for mutation.
JEAN: Actually, as a modern, resurrected, omnipotent woman, I support freedom of choice. So I'll just stand here with my mouth shut for the entire rest of the movie until all of you have been defeated.
MAGNETO: Didn't you used to have a cool flame effect in your eye? And a firebird corona? Do something. Come on.
JEAN: Not out here in the freakin' woods.
PYRO: That's what I'm saying. I just want a little wrist barbecue.
MAGNETO: I don't quite know what that means but I like the sound of it.
SCENE 52 - INT. MANSION - XAVIER'S STUDY - DAY
STORM: Well, that's it. Now that Xavier's dead, we must close the school.
WOLVERINE: Wait, what?
BEAST: But that's the last thing Xavier would have wanted. He always talked about his dream outliving himself. You just mentioned that in his eulogy.
STORM: But I'm too sexy to be in a wheelchair! I don't know what I'm saying!
ICEMAN: Besides, most of these kids have nowhere to go.
ANGEL: Hi, I just flew in from San Francisco, and boy are my wings tired! Do you guys have any shirts I could borrow? And cut big holes in?
STORM: That's it. We must reopen the school!
WOLVERINE: Wait, what?
BEAST: Thank God. That's a lot of paperwork I didn't want to do.
SCENE 54: INT. MANSION - UNDERGROUND HALLWAY - NIGHT
STORM: So, this is it. We prepare to make our Last Stand of the week... and we're down to only six of us.
WOLVERINE: What happened to Siryn and Jubilee and everybody else who didn't get a chance to be cool yet?
STORM: They went home. We closed the school, remember?
WOLVERINE: Wait, what?
BEAST: But Bobby, you said they had no homes to go to.
ICEMAN: So they're probably turning tricks for perverts in the city. How do I know? What am I,
Grant Morrison?
WOLVERINE: Storm, when it comes to Jean, just don't...
STORM: You love her.
WOLVERINE: No, I just think she's a sweet piece of ass, but you're even crazier than she is, so it's kind of all I've got goin' for me right now.
STORM: Don't worry, I'll be getting beat up by the random tattooed ho with the DM Guide.
WOLVERINE: Thanks, Storm.
SCENE 76: EXT. ALCATRAZ RESEARCH FACILITY - DAY
MAGNETO: See what I just did with the Golden Gate Bridge? Xavier always wanted me to build bridges, and I totally just did! Ha! Like a bridge over troubled water, I will smack thee down! Zing! My favorite film is
Airplane! starring
Lloyd Bridges!
PYRO: Sir, nothing about this plan makes sense. Why use the bridge when you could just float us all over by our belt buckles? If you're going to levitate something so massive, why not just use it to crush the facility and save us the fight? And ultimately, what good does it do to even come here when we know the government's got plenty of cure weapons stashed elsewhere?
MAGNETO: If you don't quiet down, boy, I'll quit buggering you.
PYRO: Sir, sorry sir.
SCENE 77: INT. MILITARY BASE - NIGHT
R. LEE ERMEY: (
over loudspeaker) Please turn in all metal weapons and pick up plastic weapons! Yee haw! Yer mother's a faggot!
SOLDIER 1: Is it really necessary to have that voice explaining what we're doing when any idiot can see what we're doing?
SOLDIER 2: Is it really necessary to even see us doing it, since in a few minutes, Magneto's gonna say out loud, "Hey, plastic!"
SOLDIER 1: What's important is that we question our orders, even if we still blindly follow them.
SCENE 78: EXT. ALCATRAZ RESEARCH FACILITY - NIGHT
WOLVERINE: Any Sentinels out there?
BEAST: Nope.
WOLVERINE: Then I guess I don't feel like being a loose cannon anymore. So what are your orders, Storm?
STORM: Well, let's see. You and Colossus are totally useless against Magneto, and Kitty has no offensive capabilities whatsoever. So I say we all go stand between Magneto and his goal.
WOLVERINE: Wait, what?
BEAST: But surely we should have some type of strategy. Tell you what, make a downpour and Iceman can freeze it into a big impassable wall.
STORM: No, I like the standing thing. It feels important! Also, I have nice boobs.
BEAST: I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the Decider.
MAGNETO: Go get 'em, my fishnet clad pawns! Your deaths amuse me greatly!
PYRO: This really isn't the behavior I expected from a Holocaust survivor.
MAGNETO: Well, if we found them in a church, they can't be Jewish, so it's all good.
PYRO: Oh, you.
WOLVERINE: The best defense is a good offense! Possibly the converse is equally valid!
BEAST: I can't believe this! You people have trained together for years! Don't you have any way to coordinate your efforts beyond shouting generic action cliches?
WOLVERINE: Talk is cheap, when the going gets tough, bub!
BEAST: See, that's exactly what I'm talking about, when you - OW! My face! Who put that rake there?
MAGNETO: Ah, Wolverine. Once again I smell your lovely adamantium! When will you learn?
WOLVERINE: What doesn't kill me makes me stronger!
MAGNETO: OW! My chest! Who put those needles there?
BEAST: Didn't smell that coming, did you?
MAGNETO: Oddly, no. Very, very, oddly.
JEAN: Now that all my allies are dead or incapacitated, it's time for me to help them. Potpourri power go! Dustify my love!
WOLVERINE: Jean, please stop! We don't even know what you want! Except to make out with me! You did say that! Let's do that!
JEAN: Clearly I could destroy you anytime I wanted, but your walking against the wind schtick is so darling. I knew you could sing on Broadway, but I did not know you were a gifted mime.
WOLVERINE: Owwww... I didn't need that epidermis... No pain, no gain...
JEAN: Save me.
WOLVERINE: I'm the best there is at what I do. And what I do is stabbing.
JEAN: AGGGGH! I said SAVE me, you jerk!
WOLVERINE: But before you said to kill you! I thought it was like a secret code!
JEAN: I changed my mind! I'm very complicated!
WOLVERINE:
ADRIAAAAAA- I mean,
JEAAAAAAAAN!!!
STORM: Call the tombstone engravers!
Credits.
SCENE 98 - INT. MUIR ISLAND FACILITY - DAY
XAVIER: Moira?
MOIRA: Charles?
XAVIER: Yes, it's me. I telepathically transferred myself into this body!
MOIRA: But... if you could do that, why not do it to Phoenix, to stop her?
XAVIER: Errrr... to be close to you?
MOIRA: But... if you wanted to please me, why didn't you transfer yourself into a non-crippled body years ago?
XAVIER: P.S. I'm gay.