Here is a sort
-of-short story that I wrote for my Grade 9 English class
. I just got it back today, so I decided to node my homework
in hopes that you will like it.
By: Benjamin Waterman
Once upon a time, there was a dog named Joe. But that's not what this story is about. This
story is about a highly mutated sea bass and his Mad Scientist. The sea bass' name was George,
but that's not what's important. What is important is that George had visions of taking over the
world, as all sea bass do. Under normal circumstances no one would care about a sea bass taking
over the world. But as I have already said, this is no ordinary sea bass, this is a highly mutated sea
What is also important is George's pet scientist, Fred (who thought the relationship was
reversed), was very much insane. Like a typical mad scientist, Fred also had visions of taking over
the world and, much to his delight, George factored into these plans highly. Fred was a typical
mad brain scientist, he had already invented the Brain Plant™(Patent Pending), among other
things. The Brain Plant™(Patent Pending) (it's official name, as he had been denied a patent, yet
continued to submit his invention), was actually a highly mutated grape vine. Rather than grow
highly mutated grapes, it grew highly mutated blank brains. A highly mutated blank brain is
somewhat like a highly mutated blank hard drive, there are no thoughts on it. One of his more
useless inventions was "Ze Fake German Accent Creator™(Patent Pending)." As the packaging
states: "Zis product vill give zou ze fake German accent zou have alvays vanted." Or at least it
would if there was any demand for a fake German accent creator. Anyway, he had already given
himself the Fake German Accent Pill™(Patent Pending), zo he talked vike zis, making any real
German who heard him talk burst out laughing in the street.
On a normal day Fred would get up, feed George, artificially raise his IQ and head over to
the bank. At the bank he would go over to the teller and say,
"Vi vould vike to vithdraw vone-vundred-villion vollars to vund vimvortant vesearch."
As usual, the teller would sigh, check his bank account and reply,
"You only have seven dollars and fifty-three cents in your account, sir."
And as usual he would reply,
"Zo vell, zit vas vorth a try."
And then he would leave, go back to his castle and continue research on his mind control spray.
Today, on the other hand, Fred got up, fed George, artificially raised his IQ and headed
over to the bank. When he was at the bank, he went up to the teller and said,
"Vie vould vike to vithdraw veven vollars and vifty vents."
As usual the teller sighed, checked his account and almost replied,
"You only have seven . . . Er . . . You said seven fifty, right? Here's your money, sir."
Fred then rubbed his hands together as if he were plotting and scheming, which he was, and
"Vexecellent, vexecellent . . . "
He then proceeded to the hardware store and bought a hammer, of which he called a "vammer."
After acquiring said hammer, he then proceeded to return to his castle.
Fred's castle looks like a typical evil, twisted, small, dark and dreary German Castle. It sits
atop a somewhat cone-shaped hill. Due to some horrible town planning, the only road to his castle
circles this hill thirteen times. After driving up to his castle one would proceed to enter his garage,
which is a converted dungeon, and park in one of the cells.
After parking in his dungeon Fred took his "Evilvator™" down to his "Underground
Lodge" (It would be an "Underground Lair," but that's a Dr. Evil trademark). His "Underground
Lodge" is 30 stories below ground level. It contained all his experiments, most of which involved
brains of some sort, and a whole bunch of randomly twisted metal "sculptures" . . . Just to give it
that "Truly Evil Look™."
When he got down to his "Underground Lodge" he noticed his lawyer was there, looking
as evil as always. He contemplated throwing the newly bought hammer at his lawyer, but then
decided that the hammer didn't deserve to be thrown at such a horrible thing. He put the hammer
down, cleared his throat to get rid of the Fake German Accent, and said to his lawyer,
"Hello, Mr. Powers, and welcome to my Underground Lair."
In all his legal wisdom his lawyer responded,
"Huh? My name is Nolan Morals, not "Mr. Powers." And I thought I had you calling it an
"Underground Lodge" to avoid any possible trademark infringement lawsuits."
"Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that."
"Well you should listen to me more often, you never know when someone who wants to
file a lawsuit over something stupid might be looking."
Fred then got an evil idea in his head.
"Why don't you come over to my new invention, a cannon that has the power to propel
something to the sun? I'm wondering if I might get hit with a patent infringement suit or
something else that might cost me much money."
Mr. Morals went up to the door to Fred's "Sun Cannon™(Patent Pending)." The Sun
Cannon™ was an underground cannon that was the size of one city block and about seven stories
tall. The hole to launch things out of opened much like a missile silo. Fred requested Mr. Morals
to get in the Sun Cannon™ to check for any possible patent infringement. As he got in Fred
slammed the door, and to Mr. Morals' surprise, pressed the launch button. Instantaneously the
launch hole opened, and much to his objection, Mr. Morals was launched into the sun at Mach 40.
He would have made it, if he hadn't of hit a passing Alien Spacecraft, while yelling "I'll sue you!",
and made a large hole in the side of it. Confusing everybody to much extent, he had survived
being launched at Mach 40, the vacuum of space and smashing a hole in the side of a reinforced
Zorkzon spacecraft, the hardest material in the known Galaxy. Assuming he was invincible, the
aliens brought him to their home planet, where he indirectly started a world war by introducing
everyone to the legal system.
Now, completely lawyer free, Fred was able to do whatever he wanted. Not completely
surprising, he wanted to do something that involved brains. In fact it involved both his and
George's brain. It actually was something that was very stupid when you think about it. He was
going to switch his brain with George's. He had already developed a machine to do this, his
"Brain-o-matic™(Patent Pending)" (he had fired his naming team just before he invented this).
The Brain-o-matic™ had two brain-gears that went over two people's heads. The brain-gear
hooked up to highly mutated blank brains, to temporarily cache the thoughts while the brains were
transferred between bodies (no, you do not need to understand all this). After all of this the two
brains would be in the opposite bodies. In this case that meant that Fred would now be a highly
mutated sea bass and George would be a Mad Scientist.
Fred went over to the hammer he bought earlier and then went over to his furnace to melt
the hammer into the last piece in the Brain-o-matic™. Why didn't he just use a scrap piece of
metal, you ask? He's a Mad Scientist. He's insane. Anyway, after inserting the melted hammer into
the Brain-o-matic™, Fred proceeded to put one brain-gear over George's head and then put the
other one over his head. Fred flicked the switch and 10 nanoseconds later George was the fishiest
Mad Scientist on earth and Fred was the most insane sea bass on earth, a spot that formerly
belonged to George. The first thing George said in his new body was "Finally after all these years
I have tricked that IDIOT into giving me his human body!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Fred's was much less interesting and largely went
unnoticed, as it simply was, "Blub."
The first project George had made for him was BOB, Biohazardous Organic Bacon. BOB
was a very stupid name indeed, seeing as the project was not Biohazardous, Organic and it
certainly wasn't Bacon. Most people believe that George, like most acronym creators, came up
with the acronym first and then picked some random words that it should stand for. George had
instructed some of Fred's flunkies to build it in secret for him while he was a highly mutated sea
bass. He had ordered the flunkies around using a series of highly co-ordinated winkings and
blikings. BOB was a mechanical suit that was roughly the size of a 103.792 foot house. It looked
much like a gigantic sea bass. In fact, George had it made to look just like his old fish body, only
many, many times bigger. In BOB, George had many weapons of mass destruction including, but
not limited to: Tomahawk cruise missiles, an atomic bomb, laser guided lasers, a large cannon, air
to ground missiles, ground to air missiles, air to air missiles, a random number generator and
N'Sync CD. Using all of this power, George was intending to destroy all of everything, everything
except fishkind, that is. George got in BOB and thundered out into Ih'led town's road, intent on
At this time, Mayor Fattekat was stuck in traffic with his dog Joe. Fattekat had been on
his way to a meeting about Ih'led's traffic problem when, for some reason, the traffic jammed up.
Right at that moment Joe heard a sound that could only be a highly mutated sea bass trying to
take over the world. How Joe could instantly know that BOB's crashings, smashings and N'Sync
music was actually a highly mutated sea bass trying to take over the world is mostly unknown.
Most assume that it was because only a highly mutated sea bass would be crazed enough to use
the horror that is N'Sync music on an unsuspecting populace. Anyway, after jumping out the car's
window, Joe attempted to round up all the other dogs to help defeat George. Unfortunately most
other dogs are incredibly stupid; when he barked for them to rendezvous, they ran the other way.
Joe, being the only intelligent dog in Ih'led, decided that he would have to save the world from
Joe first attempted to find BOB and George by using his bloodhound nose. That failed
after he got distracted by BOB almost stepping on him. George, knowing an attacker when he
saw one, shot an air to ground missile, laced with N'Sync music, at Joe. Hearing the N'Sync
music, Joe got out of the way by running underneath BOB. Not wanting to blow himself up,
George redirected the missile to the local blind store, Blinds of Almost All Kinds. It's horrible
destruction prompted one, and only one, man to yell out "Noooooo! Not the blind store! You
monster! You monster!" After the blinds stopped raining down on them, which only took a few
seconds, Joe proceeded to follow his newly created plan to run George and BOB into the ocean.
His plan probably would have worked, but at that moment Mr. Nolan Morals' briefcase came
falling down from space at extremely high speeds. Against horrible odds, the briefcase managed to
fall directly on BOB, destroying it and ending George's annihilation spree.
After George had been locked up and Fred let go in the ocean, Mayor Fattekat held a
"On this day, against impossible odds, one of our former lawyer's briefcases fell from outer
space saving the world from sea bass rule. Because of that today is being declared 'The First Day
Lawyers Actually Helped Society Day.' I'm also thanking Pepsi for somehow helping in the
destruction of BOB, although I'm not sure what exactly they did, I'm renaming the street where
the destruction occurred to Pepsi Street. I'm also opening a Pepsi store where the blind store
"No! Not the blind store! YOU MONSTER!"
"AHEM . . . I'm also opening a Pepsi store where the blind store used to be."
It was after this speech that Mayor Fattekat was seen driving off with a bag of money that had the
Pepsi logo on it. After a few days things mostly returned to normal, although the man with too
many windows never did get over the destruction of the blind store . . .