Today was a
rare day, in that I wasn't
tired all day and was more
social than normal. I also ate more than what is normal for me (though still not enough to be
healthy).
Inside, today was a bad day. I was quite tense throughout the day and unable to concentrate on things. Motivation was absent. Last night, I came up with an exciting new noding project which I thought would be fun. Today, I don't feel inspired enough to begin it. Although I held myself back (as usual), my tension created in me a strong desire to strike out at inanimate objects at various points during the day. At other points, apathy overcame me, and I barely had enough motivation to move. My sexual drive (which oscillates between overwhelming and absent) was completely missing today. Thankfully, work went quickly, and maintaining my facade of happiness at work was not too difficult.
Today was my first day on Zoloft. They say it may negatively affect your mood when you first begin to take it. I do not know if my slightly-worse-than-usual disposition today can be attributed to the new drug.
A lot of people around me are depressed. Like me, they are hiding it, but I can tell. It's in their eyes and their words. But for most of them it is temporary - a combination of stress, bad weather, and sad events. I am jealous, but I should remind myself that my depression will one day lift as well.
I am going to be spending this Friday night alone at home. My one remaining friend here in Philadelphia asked me if I was up for something tonight, but I am very withdrawn tonight and do not feel like going to hang out with him. I think he is the only one who cares enough about me to talk to me or to ask me if I want to go outside. Sometimes I try to reach out to others, but their responses are either ignoring or rejecting. I will keep trying, because I love them. To be my friend right now is to accept a burden onto one's shoulders, and I cannot blame anyone for avoiding it. I will try to hang out with my last real friend later this weekend. He is an angel for trying to help me, but I cannot connect with him like I have with other people. And deep down, I know he is alone too.