I really don’t know how to deal with things, anymore. How to deal with friends, family, or the rift growing between Jessica and I.

How to deal with the fact that I am seemingly incapable of handling myself in any given situation, be it finding a job, or having a nice, stable, healthy relationship.

I’ve given Jes and my relationship a very wide berth in my writing, mostly because she reads it, as far as I’m aware. I imagine she’s read most of everything I’ve ever written, and will continue to read anything written on a regular basis.

I haven’t avoided the subject out of fear that she’d get upset at me, or that the world would gasp in horror... I just haven’t seen the need. It’s never been such a hot topic with me that it’s something I need to express, except in the cases where it’s been positive. “Oh my god, I love Jessica soooo much” – That kind of thing.

Now, it’s different, I suppose.

I don’t want to bitch, or rant. I’m just thinking in words, I suppose.


“Have you got a crush on someone else?”

I opened my eyes, and strained to see her face in the moonlight. “What?

“Have you got a crush on someone else?”

Even in the darkness, I blinked, mostly out of confusion. “No.” I asked her why she’d think that.

“It just feels that way to me, sometimes. Like your head isn’t here and your heart doesn’t care.”


I don’t know if Jessica and I are going to make it.

There. It’s written, it’s said, it’s out. I don’t know.

I can’t know if she’s has the same thoughts, but I imagine she has. We’ve been constantly fighting, these past few months. I love her, truly, but I don’t know if that’s enough. Relationships take work, and sacrifice, and it seems that neither of us has both to give.

She’s not happy. And I don’t know how to resolve that. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to change to make our relationship like it was nine months ago, how to make it all light, and laughter.

Not that I think breaking up would make her happy, especially not short-term... Although it seems that I’ve been a poor judge of that area, as of late.


Only recently have I taken notice as to the way friends treat our relationship.

Rose and I fought the other day, because I confronted her about rumors I heard of her telling stories of domestic violence in our relationship.

Although, at least in this rumor, things were interesting. I was the abused, not the abuser.

She got upset, and broke off the conversation, citing how I’ve changed, how she can never talk to me anymore, how she thinks the perceived abuse in my relationship with Jessica is ‘sick.’

Even Christo expressed disbelief at my professions that there’s no abuse, in either direction.


I’ve felt sick, the last few days. Been sick, even. It’s like there’s an infection the middle of me, something slowly going bad inside, trying to take the rest me with it. The last few days have not been fun.

The first snow of the year, friends, family, nothing. Nothing’s been inspiring, nothing’s been magic, nothing’s been true. Except for her, except for those moments when she doesn’t know I’m looking at her, and she’s not guarded, she’s not looking at me with what might be contempt.

I still love her... It seems as if I’m not what she wants, though, not anymore. She doesn’t seem to have the same patience with me, and it seems hardly a day goes by where I’m not scared of doing something wrong, of offending her or making her angry, of being a ‘bad boyfriend’...

If this seems a little unfair, or one-sided, that’s because it is. I don’t know what she’s thinking, and it’s rare when she’ll tell me what she’s feeling. This is my perception of the situation. To say I’m unbiased would be a poor lie indeed.


I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.

We’re supposed to move out together, potentially with Charles, come January. (It occurs to me that the last time I was supposed to move in with Charles, it was him, myself, and my then-girlfriend Karen. We broke up shortly beforehand.) I fear that this may not be the smart thing to do, and I fear that it’s the lack of space, and constantly being in the same spaces that’s aggravating the situation.

If I were an observer to this situation, I’d definitely counsel Jairus not to move in with Jessica. Work at the relationship, yes. Try and preserve what you have, try and make things work, yes. Love is beautiful and rare, and Jessica is everything to me... And I think if I don’t take steps to preserve that now, and repair what’s been slowly falling apart, there will be no Jairus And Jessica.

It might be best if Charles and Jessica got a place together, and I got one alone, on a month-to-month basis, until we see what happens. I don’t know.


If something isn’t done soon, Jessica and I will destroy each other, and our relationship. Of this, I have no doubt.

However, by attempting to do something, we may very well destroy it regardless, except much more painfully. It’s a chance worth taking, obviously... I want to save what we have, and I want her to want it too...

But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it.