Part of the problem
, I suppose, is the fact that I don't feel particularly wanted by anyone I spend time with. I don't necessarily feel like I'm not welcome
, but most of the time, it seems like those around me could do without me being there. It doesn't seem to matter too much to anyone else.
I feel needed by my friends
, sometimes. I have skills that they don't, and I get called on them often to help out with a project of some description. These things make me feel needed. They don't make me feel wanted, however. In my experience, if you have a need
for someone but not a want
for them, resentment
I don't recall
the last time someone close to me invited me out for a movie
, or coffee
, or dinner
. This is not to say I haven't spent any time with friends lately, but it's always been at my prodding and insistence. If I don't initiate these things, they don't happen. That's a warning sign, if the relationships I had when I was younger are to be trusted. When you're always calling them, and they're never calling you
, they probably don't particularly enjoy your company.
It is unfortunate that this pattern has expanded to include my roommates
, my girlfriend
, and everyone in the city of Toronto
that I have not met at my current workplace.
Of course, if voicing these feelings results in any changes in the behaviour of my friends, I would find it extremely difficult to accept them as genuine.
I don't write too much of the details of our relationship here, as an unofficial rule
. Having a journal that the world can read created some very real problems in prior relationships, and I was not anxious to have those situations repeat themselves. I don't think I've ever censored myself on the topic of Jessica (and if I have, it was a matter of so little consequence
that it has escaped my memory entirely), I just omit gratuitous personal details
Recently, however, it strikes me that this omission makes it extremely difficult to write about any details that I feel are relevant
to my journal. If I write about the behind-closed-doors issues of our relationship, it almost seems like a breach of trust, from some unspoken and unwritten agreement that Jai-shall-not-write-about-Jes.
And a breach of trust
, of course, is the last thing that you want when you're having difficulty within any kind of relationship.
I would be cheating my own feelings if I did not say that the thought of escape
has come to mind.