It grows on me, when I’m alone.
comes so very rarely; that I think it makes up for the frequency
in its intensity
. It consumes me when it comes; it obliterates all other feelings, all other considerations. I only want others to hurt
Sometimes, I come very close to letting myself do just that.
I’m very upset with Jessica
right now. Anything I write about the situation will be unfair
, or hurtful
, or both
Suffice it to say that she is very adept at pushing my buttons
when she chooses to.
I want to be drunk
, to be gone, to obliterate myself in any drink, any drug. I want to get into fistfights
tonight, and fuck other women
, and not give a fuck in the morning. I want to buy a ticket to Holland
, or Ireland
, and just start again, alone.
I want to find heaven in the arms of a chemical god, tonight.