I am breaking down
Over the last week, I’ve almost broken up with Jessica
, and flip-flopped on a decision of moving out on my own; No Jessica, no Charles, no Toronto
, no Venk, just me and myself, alone, in a quiet downtown basement apartment
I told Jes this, that I wanted to move out
, and understandably, it did not go over well. We’ve been fighting constantly
I’ve been abusing my body
with various methods of self-torture
, be they physical
, or chemical
. I’ve pushed myself past my own limits, and made knowingly foolish drives at dangerous goals
I left work today, to go speak with Charles
. My brand-new batteries died half-way into the first song, I forgot my glasses
, nearly passed out in front of a car while running across the street, and then waited for a half-hour in the cold. No bus
I’m at work now. I came back, and rather bluntly
told one of the senior staff
to give me one of the much-coveted taxi chits
. He looked like he was going to object, but he didn’t. Perhaps he had heard me screaming
outside the building moments before.
While I’m on the topic
, I’ve taken to yelling in public places, and talking to myself quite often. It’s really quite disturbing
, especially to me. Catching yourself alone in a room mumbling to yourself
is not the greatest sign of mental stability
I have no patience, right now, for anyone or anything, much less my own problems.
I’m coming apart at the seams.
I don’t know what to do. Half of me wants to fuck the world, and move to Holland
tomorrow. I could. The other half wants to stay here, but I don’t know what to do, where to stay here. I could get a place with Jes, and end up just fucking ourselves both really hard if we break up, because I need ‘space’ or whatever. I don’t know if I’m stable enough to handle living with anyone else right now, let alone someone who can so easily spin my world around.
I don’t know.