I am breaking down. Quickly.

Over the last week, I’ve almost broken up with Jessica, and flip-flopped on a decision of moving out on my own; No Jessica, no Charles, no Toronto, no Venk, just me and myself, alone, in a quiet downtown basement apartment.

I told Jes this, that I wanted to move out, and understandably, it did not go over well. We’ve been fighting constantly since.

I’ve been abusing my body with various methods of self-torture, be they physical, emotional, or chemical. I’ve pushed myself past my own limits, and made knowingly foolish drives at dangerous goals.

I left work today, to go speak with Charles. My brand-new batteries died half-way into the first song, I forgot my glasses, nearly passed out in front of a car while running across the street, and then waited for a half-hour in the cold. No bus.

I’m at work now. I came back, and rather bluntly told one of the senior staff to give me one of the much-coveted taxi chits. He looked like he was going to object, but he didn’t. Perhaps he had heard me screaming outside the building moments before.

While I’m on the topic, I’ve taken to yelling in public places, and talking to myself quite often. It’s really quite disturbing, especially to me. Catching yourself alone in a room mumbling to yourself is not the greatest sign of mental stability.

I have no patience, right now, for anyone or anything, much less my own problems.

I’m coming apart at the seams.

I don’t know what to do. Half of me wants to fuck the world, and move to Holland tomorrow. I could. The other half wants to stay here, but I don’t know what to do, where to stay here. I could get a place with Jes, and end up just fucking ourselves both really hard if we break up, because I need ‘space’ or whatever. I don’t know if I’m stable enough to handle living with anyone else right now, let alone someone who can so easily spin my world around.

I don’t know.