We're at one of his mother's dreaded Family BBQs when it starts.
I feel restless, twitchy.
I squirm in my seat...
Soon I have to stand up.
All the hundreds (or tens, anyway) of relatives seem suddenly more boring and
annoying than ever before. And I need to walk a little.
I walk into the kitchen. His mother is there, with her habitual disapproving semi-glare. I smile (very charmingly, considering how irritated I am becoming) and walk out again.
Walking is suddenly very very good.
I walk, quite slowly and evenly, through the house.
Into every room and out of it again.
Pacing like a tiger, measured steps, rocking gait...
I find myself facing the back of am armchair, and suddenly I need to be resting against it...
I lean my forearms on the back of the chair, and my face on my arms, and I rock my hips back and forth and around and around in a slow,
hypnotized dance-like motion. I think, maybe, I hum softly.
Someone speaks to me... has been, for some time.
I lift my face, and "Hmmmmm?"
Rocking, swaying, moving.
"What are you doing? Why did you leave the table? Why are you... oh no!"
"Hmmmmmmmm" I answer, a huge, distant, inward smile in my eyes, and on my lips, and all over my body... "Hmmmmmmmm"
Moving, swaying, rocking.
And suddenly, walking. Almost running. Away from him and his dismayed face, away from the closedness of the room. Away from... well, just away.
He's talking on the phone now... I don't care, I'm just me, inside my body and... he's
touching me...
I stare at his hand and he just takes a firmer grip on my elbow. He takes me outside.
I don't want to get into his car.
I just want to walk now. *nodnod* Walking is good.
But it seems I have to get into the car.
He seats me, and puts the belt across me... if he puts his hand on my belly I'll bite it off...
Driving... It takes so long... I want to get out.
At last!
The door is open and I can get out...
Oh I can walk some more!
But he has my elbow again... We're going through a sliding door... and he lets go of me and goes away again...
Walking.
Pacing.
There's not enough room here, but I can storm and rush from one end of this little room to the bed on the other side, and back again as much as I want. Yes!
Someone's talking to me again. It's not him now though. I stop breathing so I can
listen to her. But my feet don't stop for an instant.
Across.
Back.
I'm surging through the room.
She wants me to be still... not forever, just while she does something to my body...
I try.
I hold my body as still as I can, and she presses and pulls at me, and her machine is cold against the skin of my belly.
I can't stay.
"Stop!"
My first word since I stood up from the table a lifetime ago.
She stops, lets her machine drop, and I surge back across the room again, blood
pounding, and now I'm growling softly in time with my feet.
Her voice is here in the room with me. It's such a nice light voice. But it's saying I should be still again so
I can't hear it.
Her voice gets heavier, and I look at her, feet still pounding across and back and across and back.
I stride to her again and grit my teeth and her machine does it's work quickly, quickly, but I'm still unfree... She reaches up under my skirt and ... does something...
it hurts
She stops and looks satisfied, and her voice is kind again, and I'm free again.
I exalt as I walk and walk and walk and ... stop.
It's not time to walk now. No. It's time to put my hands on my thighs. And to
bend a little. And to breathe and groan and growl.
Hands move me to stand near the bed. He's on the other side. I'm hurting now. There are tears all over me. Tears and sweat. I can suddenly bear my clothes not an instant
longer, and I drag them off over my head and stand growling by the bedside. I reach over the bed for his
hands.
He pulls them away and grins at me.
I swear at him and he laughs.
I'm running my hands hard down my thighs to my knees. Again. Again. Again, leaving dark red pressure trails across my flesh.
There's a sudden flurry in the room and people are everywhere, with sounds and flashes of whiteness disturbing me and I look up from my study of my knees.
"Shhhhh!" I hiss at them.
Someone laughs, but I hardly notice. I'm.... incredibly busy.
I lean onto my thighs and someone is making a sound... a groaning, grinding vocalisation of huge effort...
And ... something happens.
There's a slithering, pulling, almost eviscerating feeling in my belly and I'm
gasping and my eyes are wide wide wide and
Someone urges me gently up onto the bed and hands me something slippery...
I look with disbelief.
Turn my head and focus on him.
There are tears on both our faces and I know my hair is soaked with sweat. But I know
I've never looked more beautiful...
...and I speak to him.
"Come here and meet Jennifer"