My lover has started going to
gym, and I am faced with a curious
dichotomy of feelings. On the one hand I am
delighted for him - glad that he is doing something he wants to do, glad he is making himself healthier, more self confident, more socially acceptable. On the other hand I am
dismayed at the thought of his extra flesh
melting away.
Perhaps I am a freak, but I love my lover's body. And it's not a matter of
"I Love You - What You Look Like Doesn't Matter" either.
Burrowing my face into his chest is an amazing feeling, sometimes of security, and sometimes of pure
eroticism.
He's a large man. He weighs over 100 kilograms. And every gram over 65 is an added bit of
luxury for me. Being wrapped in his arms is like being cuddled down into a soft bed with
velvet sheets.
It's so hard to explain. Usually words come easily for me, but in this I feel I can only stumble toward my meaning.
Thin men with bony hips hold no attraction for me. And I'm afraid of hurting them anyway.
But I can ride my lover like a wild pony and have no concern beyond leaning too far back and …
breaking it off.
A big man's body is made for love, for comfort, for sex. Sometimes I feel I could drown in him, and it would be only good.
Perhaps, were I a skinny girl, I would feel differently. I'm not though. I weigh about 80 kilograms, and sometimes I look at myself and feel angry or sad that I am not a tiny sexy thing like the girls with their
bellies showing in shopping centres. I would love to have a belly that would look good with a
navel piercing.
Yet my lover finds me beautiful.
Just then I was about to type "in spite of my roundness" but how do I know that is the case? I do not love my lover "in spite of" anything. His roundness is as attractive as his tenderness… So why the insistence on being less desirable myself?
I'll never be a Barbie doll. I'll never want to hold a Ken doll.
I like me.
And I love him.
And that's all about it.
I started writing today because I feel there is a poem inside me that tells how I feel about his body. It wouldn't come out though. Maybe later.