I love Chinese food, and Chinese restaurants, particularly in a group of people who all order something different and put everything in the middle so everyone gets a taste. But I don't like most Fortune Cookies.

First of all, they're too sweet without the substance of a Frito. But my bigger beef is the fortunes themselves- they give you some lucky numbers (huh) a chinese word (good) and some cliched platitude. I have always wanted to replace them with my own fortune. I like real messages that will provoke a genuine response. Messages like Today is an auspicious day to sell everything and put the money into lottery tickets or Your wife is having an affair. Something uplifting, wholesome and filled with information even if it is probably a lie.

So I've decided to put out a short list of appropriate fortunes I'd include in my Cynical Brand Fortune Cookies. If you have any suggestions, /msg me.

Your life will be rich in creditors.

The stars hint at a hostage crisis in your future

Your husband doesn't know how to tell you about his syphilis

This restaurant is where kittens go to die

You have what it takes to win American Idol

Your breasts will never stop sagging.

Streaking a pro football game will lead you to true love.

You are wearing too much clothing.

Go ahead and buy it.

Your meal was prepared according to the Five Second Rule.

You will marry a thousandaire

Your soul mugger is just around the corner.

Tuesday is an auspicious day for pimping.

Angelina Jolie will come to love you if only you stalk her with enough sincerity.

If you want to lose weight get your recipes from Fear Factor

Today is the last day of the rest of your life.

The virtuous man worries not about bills. Shred yours.

Your secret love will notice you if you yell "Shark!" in a crowded theater."

You will be the subject of a country song.

Someone in Nigeria wants to give you money

The candidates you vote for lose.

You will encounter a tall, dark prostitute.

And you thought dogs didn't taste good. Now you know better.

Creditors shall follow you all the days of your life.

Your soul mate awaits you in prison.

And you thought you'd never be able to eat cat.

Share your underwear.

Your diet is donut deficient

The mad scientist in the alley wants your body.

You will become more popular as the price of gas rises.

Don't worry, she's on the pill.

Don't worry, everyone gets cancer.

Jerry Springer wants to put you on television.

Consider an inexpensive vacation in rural Pakistan.

Stalking you is a gas.

Don't tell anyone but your waiter is with the FBI