This is an exciting time in your life. You are about to embark on a special journey, the choice of your sexual preference. We understand this is a confusing time, when you aren't sure whether or not you're more excited by Brad Pitt, or Catherine Zeta-Jones. This guide is here to help your through this important lifestyle choice.
The are many factors to consider before you commit to any sexuality. Don’t get to hung upon on early physical attractions. Many young boys may find themselves fascinated with firm, pouting breasts. If you are one of those boys or men, dont worry. Sexuality is just a lifestyle, and if you choose gay, Heidi Klum won't affect you any more. One simple choice, and you'll be drooling all over Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and his firm, tightly packed buns.
Second, don't assume that your lifestyle choice will necessarily limit your career choices. You can be straight and still become an interior decorator. It's harder, but you can do it if you persevere. Same thing with a hairdresser. An interest in sports shouldn't exclude you from homosexuality, just look at the career of Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis. Similarly, choosing gay won't keep you from a life of religious service. The Catholic church is particularly welcoming of gay clergy, and recent scandals indicate even fundamentalist churches employ gay pastors. We have prepared a little checklist to help you make that crucial lifestyle decision. Just go through the questionnaire, add up your scores and you’ll know what sexuality is right for you.
Do you want to get married? If so you should choose heterosexuality. (Unless you live in Massachusetts or California)
Do you want to have children? If so you should choose heterosexuality.
Do you want to wear fabulous clothing? If so you should choose homosexuality.
Are fabulous blow jobs important to you? If so, you should choose homosexuality.
Do you want to be a national politician? If so you should choose heterosexuality. (unless you live in Massachusetts)
Do you want to live in a trailer park? If so, you should choose heterosexuality.
Do you like to look at people in leather?
Actually, this is a trick question. Both men and women can look good in leather. So you don't have to decide on this point, you naughty boy.
Do you like to talk about your feelings, particularly with women? If so you should choose homosexuality.
Do you love country music? If so you should choose heterosexuality
Do you like Ska and world music? If so you should choose homosexuality.
Do you like to play beach volleyball? If so, you should choose homosexuality
Do you like NASCAR? Then you should choose heterosexuality. Unless your favorite driver is Jeff Gordon. Then you should opt for homosexuality.
Do you think John Ashcroft is a great singer? If so, you should definitely choose heterosexuality.
Do you like magazines about cars and adventures? If so you should choose heterosexuality.
Do you want to sing the blues about cheating, no good women? Then you should choose heterosexuality.
Do you like to read poetry? If so you should choose homosexuality.
Do you like to keep fit through jogging and low impact aerobics? Then you should choose homosexuality.
Do you like to like to lift weights and show off your immense, bulging muscles? Then you should choose homosexuality.
Do you say the heck with my body? Then you should choose heterosexuality.
Do you want to chew tobacco? Then you should choose heterosexuality.
Do you collect Nazi memorabilia? Then you should choose heterosexuality.
Do you collect SS uniforms? Then you should choose homosexuality.
Do you want to burn for all eternity in the deepest fires of Hell? If so, you should choose homosexuality.
See how easy it is to choose the sexual preference right for you! Just total up your scores and see where you end up. The score will tell you whether you prefer Kirsten Dunst or Tobey Maguire. If you get a tie score, consider bisexuality. After all, it worked for David Bowie.
interrobang has suggested that Carson Kressley might not be the hunkiest purveyor of culture to the style-challenged straight man like myself. He suggests that Kyan Douglas and Jai Rodriguez are much more likely to peg the hunk-o-meter.