Ok, it's that time again. I'm back to school now. I should be studying instead of writing this. Specifically, I've got tons of assignment problems to due, and they're due tomorrow at 8:00 am! Ack! But, instead...

It's like a movie, where things just happen and you accept them, because it's a movie, and you know that movies aren't real, and ludicrious things can happen. But it's not a movie. It really is happening. Still, it feels so surreal, as if I'm not really living and working and doing all this stuff, more like I'm asleep and dreaming, and watching myself stop a runaway fire truck, watching my niece, watching myself get bad grades and ending up spending six years on a four year program. And then idiodic things popup, like how I start thinking about the invisible cars, and how I don't want to run into them. Nothing really weird I guess, nothing that wouldn't be normal for a slightly paranoid person, someone who really isn't paying attention to the world.

I don't want to waste another year in University. I realize how much work I should really putting in, how I should be reading and understanding. How I should really learn the things I need to learn so that I can move on. I can't say, oh, I'll figure it out on the exam anymore. I'm getting sick of feeling like an idiot for not really knowing what's going on in class because I haven't been keeping up and doing the reading or even paying attention in class. Sometimes we're the ones laughing at the people falling asleep, but sometimes we're falling asleep. I want to get straight A's this semester. Yeah right, like that'll happen. But any improvement is good, and I think I'm attaining that; I read something and understood why it was so, and understood how I would have never have been able to figure that one out at the last minute.

I've realized something about my writing lately. Sometimes I find myself writing in the most confusing style possible, just so that I can have fun trying to obscure the meaning or the setting or the action of my writing. It's not serving any purpose really, except for my own fun. Fortunetly, my factual writing doesn't suffer from this, so things like Lagrange Point turn out well. It's just recreational stuff that should really be deleted as soon as I finish it, because it truly sucks. It was fun to write the onslaught of man, but I don't think I would get anything out of it, reading it again. I'm not sure anyone else would either. There's an idea to it, a purpose, but it was just sort of tacked on to something that popped into my head while sitting in class one day. The idea at the end is worth exploring more, some factual nodes could come of it, some opinion on wilderness management, but as it is, that writeup sucks. I think something better could go with the title; that phrase sort of works for me, but I know I can do a better writeup, something that makes better use of the title.

So, I think I made a new friend. It's always good to make new friends, and I probably don't do it often enough. Having nothing interesting to say hinders the ability to make friends of course. I find a strange dichotomy within myself; I want to know more people, I want to fit in a little better, I want to be able to engage in casual conversation. At the same time, I feel like I don't want to talk to anybody, as if it's to much effort to try to come up with things to say and to respond in an appropriate fashion to what others have to say. I find myself imagining converstions with other people, people who might be interesting or might be interested in me. I imagine myself being expressive and articulate, and in my mind I can do these things, but I find myself imagining myself saying things that I would never revel to people I haven't known for years. I'm to guarded, I hate to share things about myself for fear of giving others ammunition to use against me in a weird sort of emotional warfare, for fear of burdening others with my problems, for fear of being a complete goofball. But that's really part of why I don't talk much.

Back to work.