Its 6AM and my cigarette has burnt to the filter. For the few seconds until I light my next cigarette, I have to live and I am totally frightened by it. All I can do at night is stare blankly at my computer monitor when I know for a fact that I need to wake up the next morning for class. I don’t know what is going on but I know that I am complete and totally afraid.

Recently, I have moved from my mother house into an apartment on campus at UTD. I really enjoy living on my own and my roommates are the best. However, I work full time at a grocery store and I go to class full time and I have a lot of money troubles going on that must get taken care of. I have to say none of this even phases me in the slightest. What scares the shit out of me is that I have nothing really keeping me from ruining the rest of my life.

For the first time, I am completely responsible for my life and in the back of my mind is a voice screaming that I will fuck it all up. It keeps me up trying to find some sort of reasoning why my life will be ok. The only reason I fall asleep is my inability to stay awake forever. Maybe it will get better…maybe it won’t. For now, I smoke another cigarette and hope that I am personally strong enough to survive on my own.