X-FOLKS: The Epic Saga of Maw & Paw
by TheLibra

cHaPtEr OnE: The Namnazi War


"Paw, tell me about the war." Sonny asked as I poured myself a nice glass of whiskey. I sighed, set down the half-full glass of Wild Turkey and stared off into the distance.

"War is hell, Sonny..." Memories flooded back like a lemon juice rub after being hit by shrapnel. But the boy had to know. God the horrors. "Yer Uncle Doc died in the war. I remember the war like it was yesterday...

"It was 1945, and a war took place that most ain't never heard of. The government tried to cover it up; they still send in the snipers every now and then, but Maw lets 'em have it good. I was secretly drafted into a war called the Namnazi war. Nazis had infiltrated parts of Vietnam, and yer Uncle Sam was madder than a squirrel without a tail. So we were dropped in behind enemy lines with only a swiss army knife and a roll of toilet paper --damned water. Well soon as we touched down, five of them landed on mines cause that moron pilot made a miscacalation or something. That only left me, Doc, and the twins we met on the plane (Maw an I hadn't met yet). Our objective, take out the communications base so that they couldn't radio for more nazis. They would air drop a case of something called nitro to us later. Well we headed through the jungle until Doc heard footsteps in the brush. Sure enough, thirty ninja-nazis leaped out of a bush all at once.

" 'What were all you fellers doin in the same bush in pajamas' I asked. 'Never mind that,' they replied 'now we beat you!' Well, Sonny, I wasn't gonna have nazis talk to me that way! I took out my toilet paper and my knife. Using the steel from my knife and a conveniently placed peice of flint, I ignited my TP and threw it at him shouting 'Take that you silly pajama freak!' and he burst into flames, then exploded, taking out ten others. Doc saw me do that, and copied me, melting eleven more. 'Haha!' They shouted 'Now you have no more toilet paper!'. But we did have the twins, who were very good at tumbling and gymnastics. And I bet you never knew ol' Doc was an eightpin champine! Yessir he grabbed a twin, using her mouth and nose for fingerholes, and split them right down the middle. Two were left, with a large open space between them, and they brandished swords. So I took out the magnifying glass on my knife. Using the sun, I melted them both to a crispy shell.

"Well Doc and I continued down the trail, and a few days later we were very cranky and irritable, cause we had no toilet paper and the uglier twin. So it came as no suprise when we tore apart that platoon of panzers that came roaring through. But after destroying so much, one leaves a trail. We were only one more mile from the base when our trail was picked up. We was one mile from the base and woke up to find two thousand blonde-haired, blue eyed, vietnamese staring right at us. I had to think fast, meanwhile the twin listened to her radio.

" 'Hey,' shouted the lead nazi 'aren't you the one's trying to blow up the base?'. What could I do. Then I noticed the radio.

" 'No!' I said 'You have it mixed up! I want to PUMP up the base!' I grabbed the radio and turned the volume up full blast and began to dance. Doc and the twin joined us and soon everybody was having a swell time. But the party got kind of out of hand in the woods and I suggested it was getting late, and we move it inside. The crowd reacted enthusiastically and someone suggested the base and everyone cheered. Needless to say, Sonny, it was trashed within hours. With the whole nazi army in vietnam hungover, I made my escape with Doc, but the twin opted to stay. Well we waited at the checksite and got back ok, I guess. Unless you count the fact that the nitro landed on Doc and killed him while we waited for the rescue chopper.

"Yeah, Sonny, it was a hell of a war..." I took a shot of whiskey and sat back. Sonny still just stared at me with a lopsided grin on his face.

"Well where did you and Maw meet?" Damned kid, too full of questions. I sighed and set the glass down once again.

"Well, after the base was cleared, we was supposed to go in and destroy the ammo dump that the nazis used to refuel and resupply. But first we needed reinforcements. The twin ran off with a pilot from Guam, and I needed help. So the chopper took me to another platoon, where the supplies were better. There, leading the men into combat, was the meanest, butchest, buffest woman you ever did see. She even had a five o'clock shadow, and I knew at once I was in love. Well we stormed that jungle quieter than a cat with no feet, and made it right outside the dump. I carried the chain gun, and Bernie, the ammo carrier seemed to have caught malaria or something, but his skin got kinda wrinkly and yellow colored. Anyways, the first wave was terrible, everyone but Maw and I was killed. The nazis surrounded us, whistling Wagner tunes. Maw taped two RPG-7s together for her left, and carried the chain gun in her right. I had a double barreled shotgun, a bowie knife, and only one shell. It was time to kick some serious nazi-ass.

"We jumped up on the ridge and there were hundreds of nazis before us. Fortunately, they were very close together and Maw let the rockets fly. But the rockets didn't release and it tore her arm clear off. But it sure did waste a lot of them buggers. I got hit by a stray bullet and fell back. Maw sprayed the nazis with gun fire and killed most of them. But she ran out of ammo and there were two machine gun nests left on opposite sides of the camp. I grabbed my bowie knife and jumped up. There was a barrel of jet fuel by each nest. But I only had one shell. So I pointed the barrel between the two nests and held my knife in front, like this, and fired. The knife cut the shell in half before it broke and both halves hit the fuel. Both machine gun nests were taken out and all the nazis were dead. Maw was bleeding pretty bad, so I started to dress the wound, when a gunship comes out of the sky with guns a blazin'. So I dodge the bullets until he's only twenty feet away, and maybe twenty feet high, then I throw the knife at it and hit the pilot. The pilot fell over dead and before anyone could grab control of the chopper it fell into the ammo dump and exploded. The ammo dump was utterly destroyed.

"When the rescue chopper picked us up, they found us like when you walked in on us last tuesday. Anyways, Maw was taken to a hospital, and thats how she got that bionic arm. We were married the day after the operation, and then flown to D.C. to meet the president. 'You two have saved the world as we know it,' he said. 'what can we ever do to repay you?' I suggested he lower taxes but he just laughed and told me how funny that was. So I settled for a secret prototype of the Lamborghini Diablo. Maw wanted to be able to pickup cable in her arm. So the president fixed us up and even threw in a nice little condo in New York."

"That, Sonny, is the story of the Namnazi War." I refilled my glass with more whiskey and settled back, letting the ice clink against the glass. "Gee, Paw, that must be how you won the World Racing Cup." Sonny suggested. "It was the car, right?"

"Nope, it was the shoes." I replied, but Sonny stared at me in confusion. "Oh well, I guess I'd have to explain someday. Well, see, Maw and I were in Tibet once and..."

(Continued in X-Folks: Revenge of the Tibetan Monks)