A few weeks ago, apropos of nothing, I mentioned to a friend that I couldn't imagine my life without one of my parents - I simply could not conceive of a reality in which something happens to either of them. Not long afterwards I jokingly told someone that my life recently has been almost too good to be true; a great job, enough money to live well, a wonderful holiday in
Mexico, a loving husband who himself has a new and challenging job, new friends... I was waiting, I quipped, for the other shoe to drop.
How could I have been so stupid?
Last Friday I was told that my dad has to have a valve replacement surgery with a possible concurrent bypass. He's having keyhole exploratory surgery next week to ascertain whether there are any blockages or other potential risk factors, after which a date for the main prcedure will be set.
It's so easy to put it clinically like that, or to retreat to the safety of cliches like "but he was always so strong" and "it's terrible when your parents suddenly get old on you". Well, he was, and it is. But... Somehow none of the platitudes from the vague musings in women's magazines can capture just what turmoil something like that throws a family into.
I've gone through the loss of a parent with my husband (not that my dad is going to die, tfu-tfu-tfu!) and I thought I was, well, you know, supportive. Understanding. Bollocks! I couldn't possibly have known even the tenth part of what he was going through, nor is he in turn capable of entering my mind; which is I suppose a clue to why external advice and other people's experienced are so stupidly pointless when you're living through something like this. Each family is unique, even inside a family the relationships between any two members are their own special and closed universe. Nobody, by definition, can ever really understand.
I'm not really sure what to write about this any more, to be honest. Enumerating the positive factors that constitute the silver lining in this situation would seem so Polyanna-like as to deserve bitch slapping. Wallowing in self pity is not an option.
guess I had better just give it to myself stright:
My daddy is very sick. He has to have a big operation and I'm scared that he will not be the same after it. Or that he will not be around. And I don't know what to do about it. I feel useless stuck here, away from being any good to any of the people who love me and need me most in the world.
I want this to not be happening. Please.