We knew there was trouble when Scott showed up at the bar with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. He was a fairly intelligent guy, but sometimes he just missed the point. As he sat down between Kevin and myself, his smile brought forth words.
"I was making a delivery to Smithson Company today and they have got a new receptionist. She is absolutely gorgeous, great eyes, beautiful smile..."
Yeah, he droned on about it for the next twenty minutes and most of us stopped paying attention after the beautiful smile part. He regained our attention when he began to unveil his master plan. He was set on putting himself with this girl, and he wasn't talking about a one night carnival of lust olympics. He was talking long term deal. It was madness. After meeting this girl for five minutes while making a delivery to her company, he was convinced of love at first sight.
To say that his master plan had flaws was an understatement. He intended to learn about all her interests, pretend he had the same interests and then go out and learn everything he could about those interests so he wouldn't look foolish when she eventually agreed to let him take her out for "the unforgettable dinner of a lifetime."
A week later we met up with Scott again. He had ascertained that her favorite television shows were Friends and Ally McBeal. She loved to do puzzles and play Trivial Pursuit and boardgames, usually on "all night marathons." She hated sports and liked to spend every sunday going to church and then hitting yard sales and flea markets looking for "super bargains." He was totally smitten and smiling broader than ever, telling us how his plan was working perfectly.
The problem was that everything Scott was telling us this woman enjoyed was everything he hated. Scott despised television sit-coms and if he watched television at all it was either sports or movies with a lot of action and bloodshed in them. He was a dedicated atheist who spent sundays watching football, or during the off-season, whatever other sport he could find on TV. He hated board games, and Trivial Pursuit was the bane of his existence, since his mother always wanted him to play with her and her friends when he came to visit. This had gone on for years and he once swore at his mother for trying to force him to play.
Now, with a strange radiant glow in his eyes, Scott told us he was ready to embrace these things. He had dropped the question and asked her to dinner, telling her he was so impressed that they had so much in common.
We expected it to be over before it began, but Scott was dedicated to his plan and for nearly a year they stayed together. Then he began to make excuses for missing church, for staying home to watch football, or would unplug her cable so they would have to watch the movies he rented. When she asked him to move in, he snapped. He could feign similar interests for short stretches of time, as long as he could retreat to his own apartment and go back to being himself.
Last I heard Scott still wasn't dating women as himself, and the lines were really blurring on his reality. We ran into him last Christmas out shopping. He was with a very exotic looking brunette and they were telling us about their shared love for Hummel figures.