"Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Dee Dee."

I meet this woman every three weeks. I have been meeting her every three weeks for the past two years. Still, it doesn't matter how long or how short a conversation we have. Even a difficult business negotiation where she is the seller and I am the buyer doesn't cut through the pudding. She never remembers who anyone is. She will walk up to you on Friday, after having had a half-hour discussion with you on Monday and ask you if a certain person has left for the day. The certain person she is speaking about has the exact same name you have. When you say, "That would be me," she says, "Oh, it is nice to finally meet you."

I try to believe she is completely insane, because otherwise I feel like ripping her grock off and planting her zarentz in the ground so deep she'll never find her padarria again. I can't do that. There are laws and stuff to protect her. There is also her large, mindless husband to contend with. Whenever you ask him a question he will tell you that he likes to "putter around in the garage from time to time." I don't mean he says things "like that" every time. I mean he says that same phrase every time. There you go. There are trolls in real life. These two people, with whom my company feels compelled to do regular business with, have driven me to the edge of madness.

A co-worker of mine had a run in with Dee Dee (not her real name, I'm concerned about lawsuits, a little) last week. Appears we had an order in to maintain stock levels on the high demand items they supply us with. Dee Dee and Lurch lost the order and then called him to ask why he had not placed an order in the last three weeks. This co-worker pointed out that he had and faxed a copy of the purchase order to them. She immediately called the on-site manager and complained that this person was "faxing old purchase orders to her and making her life impossible." Then, out of left field, she reports that this representative of the company is "like sperm that never gets released from a whale." I have no idea what that means. Then she informed us that "the reason I said that is because he doesn't seem to realize that I speak English." Ahem.

She only has hair on the left side of her head, for the most part, and appears to be wearing a drugstore check-out aisle wig. This would not be a problem if she was an impoverished waif, but she is making quite a bit of money off her contract with us and with other companies in the area which also seem obsessed with pain.

"He is like sperm that never gets released from a whale."

What the hell does that mean? Why would you tell a client that about one of their employees? I have been puzzling over that for three hours now. Man, I am just glad she didn't say that about me. I need some chewable children's aspirin. Now. I have to be in this office until 9 PM EST and she might be back.