Two riders were approaching
And the wind began to howl.
--All Along The Watchtower
So, I began my preparations for Hurricane Frances last night. I started by creating three back-up copies of my novel in its current state. Then I began contacting all the waitresses and female bartenders in the Orlando area whose names were Christina, or some variation thereof, and offered them shelter in my underground bunker.
My underground bunker, which is nearly half a mile below the surface of the earth, is likely the most secure place in Florida to be during a hurricane. As a result, eighteen women fitting my specific qualifications responded and accepted the offer.
Once this disaster is over, a new order will rise from the ashes. More specifically, a new order will rise from my underground bunker. Since this is a slow moving storm that will likely take 36 hours to move through the area, I will have time to impregnate at least six of these women. We will inherit the ruins of this world and we shall shape them in our own image. It will be our right.
So, rest assured, life will continue after this hurricane, but in a different style. If you do survive and emerge to live in my new world order, here are some things to keep in mind:
- Tipping will be done at a minimum rate of 50%. Anyone who tips less than this will be moved into areas formerly known as "free speech zones," which will now be used a "retraining camps." This is something you will want to avoid, so tip extremely well.
- A barter system will replace the foolishness of this ridiculous cash-based system we're currently being crushed under the boot of. Now, you may say this conflicts with the whole tipping issue, but it does not. If the waitress tells you that you can settle your bill with two bags of rice, a five gallon jug of water and two turkey sandwiches, you will want to throw in a pound of roast beef and some apple dumplings for the tip. This is only reasonable.
- When you are approached by a blonde waitress named Christina, you will bow and say, "All hail TheDeadGuy" and kiss her shoes. This will prove your loyalty to me. Those who do not acquiesce will be shot, no questions asked.
- If you wish to maintain your own private residence, you must grow crops, 20% of which will be given to myself and my representatives. Failure to comply will result in learning the true meaning of "scorched earth policy."
- Horses will be important. I'm sick of cars and other forms of motorized transportation. Car payments, insurance, repair bills and breakdowns are ridiculous. It is time to get back to the animals, people, and in my new order this will be done. All car dealers, mechanics and gasoline merchants will be wiped out in the early purges.
- Last but not least, those who write poetry about me will be rewarded with educational vouchers. Anyone who does not write poetry about me will be denied an education. Cleaning animal stalls and carrying loads for one place to another will be your fate. So, let's be smart, be safe, and follow directions. Everything is going to be okay.
See you on the other side.