Yeah, I remember her saying
I'm already dead...
I'm already dead...
You're gonna get up and scream...
You're gonna get up and burn an X in your head...

As things fall apart and chaos seems to rise I enter into a phase of painful personal pleasure. It is hard to understand and hard to explain. There is no way to spear me as I swim upstream and invite the slings and arrows to come my way. I cannot be anyone other than who I am. I cannot change from the path I have chosen. There is no other way. Having read the blueprints I know when things must change and I know when they will change badly. I know ahead of time. I am always all too prepared. "This is the hardest thing you will ever do..."

Cold ass motherfucker
I am.
Can't be wounded
Can't be killed
As they told me when they cut through the wire
The whirlpool is a blur
The blue flame still burns
I know what it means
I know too much
I blur it all together
They still know how to strike me down
Cold ass motherfucker
I am.

Today is your birthday as much as it is mine. I don't remember the day I was born. I only remember the day that I died. Whales piss in the gulf stream right up the coast of Florida and up to Norway. They tell me it is too cold up there. I can't help you. I have no power here. I can't fly straight anymore but it only appears I don't know the directions. Burning down all four sides of the old barn. Rock on ancient queen. Live in the fire. Let it burn you. Look into the mirror of your own fears and stare them down. It is part of the way. Part of the only way...

We march.
I'm watching things disintegrate.
This is familiar territory.
I'd be at a loss
If I needed to know how to make things last.
I'm rolling with the waves inside me.
Cold ass motherfucker.
I am.

Another year older and another year further away from the life I used to know. I have to relive it in order to find out where I stumbled. Writing is my heroin. I need my fix. The point at which the map begins charting is still unknown. I measure everything and try it all on for size. There is more to a glass of water than just the water and the glass. This is more true that the love we abandon and recall incorrectly. Feel the sharp spike through your heart and twist the sword. You are beginning to feel it. You can't wander through life with a sense of vague dissatisfation when you reach this point. You know the source. You know the pain. I'm moving too fast and I'm mostly standing still. Too many left behind and my arms aren't long enough to reach you. I watch you burn. I've accepted this. I know that I am mad. I've accepted this as well but not in the way you think I have.

It has been too long
Since I felt the rapture
Riding west on dragon wings.
I have to ride.
I have to fly.
They are ready to cash out again.
I take the money and smile.
Cold ass motherfucker.
I am.

Today she told me she was leaving. Wonderful things always happen on the day I was born. I gave up that life long ago. It isn't my birthday anymore. Happy birthday to me. I spent it writing three chapters of my novel while she started packing her things without saying a word. She has nowhere to go. No one ever expects me to call their bluff. I'm running the bluff on both sides of the mirror. I've got about thirteen years left to live. I'm going to make the most of them. Still, I can't feel things the way you do. I'm always looking at them from the outside. Even when they are inside of me I'm on the outside looking in. I can heal you. I can help you. You'll run. You'll hide. It isn't what you think it is. It never was.

Cold ass
I am.
Rock on.

Yes. I did steal the intro. Thanks.