Tips for Tourists in Orlando, Florida

If you and your typically lardassed Caucasian family make it down to Orlando, Florida from Indiana and you are driving on I-4, headed to Disney World like most typically lardassed Caucasian families, and you are stuck in heavy traffic, for the love of all things holy, don't assume everyone is heading to The Evil Empire (which is generally how the locals refer to Disney World and its independent government). And whatever you do, don't back up on the highway when you miss the first Disney exit, there are more exits for it down the road.

Disney World is not in Orlando. Disney controls several towns to the southwest of the city, and contrary to the beliefs of most tourists, our lives don't revolve around satiating The Evil Empire. Just because tourist dollars float the entire economy doesn't mean we approve of you pulling off into the breakdown lane and then backing up at high speeds, or making a sudden five lane change in the middle of heavy, high speed traffic because you just noticed the Disney exit. Some people actually use I-4 to go to Plant City. Or Tampa.

And for the love of God don't stop at a gas station with your typically lardassed Caucasian family to ask for directions and tell us how misguided we are about the Boer War. Florida is constantly confused with the Orange Free State, and while this is may be an honest mistake, it annoys the shit out of us because it happens so damned often. We're sick of it.

And after you didn't do that, don't proudly proclaim yourself as a high school history teacher. Especially if you aren't. We have high schools and high school teachers in Orlando and we are familiar with their antics.

In a town this large and this diverse, we have learned to deal with tourists. We have to, you see. We are familiar with the Canadians who walk along International Drive in really tight, shiny bathing suit-looking shorts. We are familiar with the midwesterners who can't seem to stop eating massive amounts of chicken wings and getting most of the sauce on their faces, hands and shirts. We're familiar with those who come down from Atlanta, Georgia with their superior, "We're the real South" attitudes and talk nonstop about the Atlanta Braves. We know about all of you people and we're okay with it because we have to be. You know what we're not okay with? People who fuck with the minds of children. Especially with supercilious propaganda about the Atlanta Braves, who haven't won shit in a very long time, despite your claims. Enough with the influx of jerseys and hats for fuck's sake. We've had it. Think of the children.