Let me take this opportunity to share with you some of the many letters I receive via e-mail on a daily basis. These are just a sample from this morning's e-mail.
Dear TheDeadGuy,
I have been very interested in your work for some time. Often I will read something you wrote before going to bed, both to help me fall asleep easier and to induce lucid dreaming. I hope you will not consider it to forward of me to ask if you will consider bringing me into your army of blonde Christinas, as I feel my talent and star power could be of valuable assistance in organizing and gaining more worldwide attention for your efforts. Thanks, and please let me know as soon as possible.
P.S. I hope you've bought my latest album. I think you will like it.
Sincerely yours,
Christina Aguilera
Dear Christina,
Thank you for your nice note. No, I haven't bought your latest album and in fact do not own any of your music. Perhaps you could send me some free samples so that I can decide whether or not you fit into the Christina equation. I don't have that much money right now and what little I do have is spent on alcohol. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Respectfully,
TheDeadGuy
Dear TheDeadGuy,
We've never met, but you may remember me from my stint on Family Ties in the 1980s. I was the one who looked like a slice of ham fat. However, I have since died my hair black and have been playing in a really cool rock band called Jaded. I've been looking for something to do when I visit the Orlando area later this year and perhaps you would like to consider me for your army of Christinas, even though I've died my hair and I am no longer blonde (but really I am). Contact me soon!
Rock on,
Tina Yothers
Dear Tina,
I'm going to have to sleep on that one. Look me up when you are in Orlando and we can meet for a drink. I'm not making any promises.
Respectfully,
TheDeadGuy
Dear TheDeadGuy,
What's up? Do you like me? Check "yes" or "no" and send this e-mail back to me. Okay? Cool.
Yours,
Christina Ricci
Dear Christina,
Please try harder.
Thanks,
TheDeadGuy
Dear TheDeadGuy,
I went to the website you talked about after we went out drinking the other night and what the fuck? There is no information on me on the page with my name on it. What's wrong with you people? You better make sure someone writes something nice about me soon at that fucking website or I'll beat the shit out of you next time instead of doing that ice cream thing you get so into.
Make it happen, asshole,
Christina Applegate
Dear Christina,
Hurt me, baby.
See you soon,
TheDeadGuy
Attention TheDeadGuy,
Enlarge your penis by three to four inches just by to use our penis pill for growth. Order now!
Sincerely,
Penis Pill Man
Any resemblance to characters, living or dead
Is purely coincidental