"Hey, Steve, you wanna get something to eat, or what?"
It starts that way sometimes. It starts with a simple question or comment and then it all goes to hell and back. We were never really prepared. We probably could have just gone to one of those fast food hamburger joints for cheeseburgers, but Tony had a hankering. He had been talking about curry all freakin' morning I was just tired of it. There was no end to his ramblings. He talked about the smell of curry. He talked about lobster curry and curry chicken and how simply divine it was. He just would not stop. If I owned a permit for the gun under the front seat of my car I probably would have shot his dumb ass.
What would you say if I fell down the stairs
Would you stand up and run down the hall
Lend me your boots and I'll run from the room
And try not to sing out of tune
The first thing that got to me were the crickets. It was just after dusk, so those noisy motherfuckers were out in full force. Their chirping was almost as bad as Tony's incessant ramblings about curry this and curry that. I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
If you could read my mind, pal
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like a big time action movie
'bout a jerk from a prison cell
Tony recommended we drive out to Bridgeport to this Indian restaurant that his ex-girlfriend's husband recommended. There was no way I was going to Bridgeport. Tony was driving and he had a cassette deck in his car and no radio. There was always just one tape in his car, Samantha Fox's Greatest Hits and he just let it play and play and flip over and start again. By the time we got to Bridgeport we would probably have listened to the tape at least twice. There was no way I was going to be able to handle that.
Just give me one clean shot
One clean shot is all I would have needed
It would have ended then and there
We wouldn't have had to deal with what happened next
We didn't go to Bridgeport. I convinced Tony to go to the weird Mongolian buffet at the less than clean Chinese restaurant down the street. It took only three minutes to get there, so we only had to hear one song. It was about how naughty girls need love, too. I was hip with that, but there is nothing as bad as having some hot bitch in heat cooing at you over car stereo speakers and no way to act on the resulting impulses. I wanted to get laid in the worst way after that, so even though I kept the gun I don't have a license for in my own car in my driveway, I was walking around with a loaded gun in my jeans. And I'm freakin' huge, dude.
Midnight at the oasis
Light a Camel in bed
This ain't romance on our faces
Just shadows of you givin' me head
All these little chicklets you see running around are always talking about how they want a guy with a really big tool. Most of 'em can't take me all the way. They start saying "It hurts" and "Jesus Christ, I'll never be able to walk again." I get a kind of satisfaction from that, especially when I know I'm hurting them with my enormous gift. The real problem is when you are thinking about some really raunchy fantasy sex scenes and your massive unit is swollen and stiff in a pair of tight jeans. You get dizzy and you can't walk. A lot of blood leaves my head to inflate that nasty son of a bitch between my legs. A lot.
Welcome to the jungle
We got fun and games
Learn to eat curried animals
Better than eatin' 'em plain
So there we were, finally inside the restaurant and heading up to the Mongolian barbeque buffet. Indeed there is a large quantity of curry chicken. Tony wasted no time in piling it onto his plate. He had the eyes of a madman. His only interest was in that curry. I had other mad designs. There was a trio of high school girls who had come by for vittles after cheerleading practice. I put down my plate and walked over to their table. I knew what to do.
"What do you recommend from the buffet?"
I asked them the question as if I really had no idea what to select and genuinely needed their help. As I asked the question, my hand drifted down to my crotch and I slowly and delicately allowed my thumb and forefinger to trace the outline of my enormous offering. They looked down and were startled by its presence. One of the girls absently licked her lips. I was in.
While I was romancing the babes, Tony managed to get into an argument with one of the Chinese dudes who refills the buffet trays. Tony was looking really angry and his face had turned red. The Chinese dude kept ranting the same lines to him, over and over, and it was pissing Tony off big time. It had nothing to do with the really bad chicken wings. Tony wasn't having any of those.
"Select a variety of items!
You no can have just one item!
Buffet means for variety!"
The Chinese dude tried to pry the plate of curry chicken away from Tony, so Tony slapped him hard in the side of the face. Two other Chinese dudes and a Chinese lady rushed over and began yelling at Tony in an odd Mandarin dialect. I was unable to translate as the dialect was not one I was familiar with, even after twelve years as a missionary in China. Someone called the cops. I looked at the cheerleader babes and then over at Tony. I knew what I had to do. I had to leave my friend in the lurch and get laid.
If you want my body
And you think I'm sexy
Come on high school girls, let me know
My new girlfriends were uncomfortable with what was going on. They didn't like all the yelling and hitting that was happening. When Tony pulled out his pocket knife and began stabbing Chinese people liberally, I knew it was over. Police sirens were entering the parking lot along with the police cars they were attached to. I took the best looking cheerleader by the hand and helped her out of the booth. After making sure I rubbed my enormous package against her bare thigh, I rushed her and her friends to the door. We got in their car, a sport utility vehicle that belonged to one of their daddys, and rode off into the night.
You gotta drive as fast as you can, little girl
Put yourself in my hands, little girl
Or we'll end up in the can, little girl
Racing to get out of the parking lot, the cheerleader behind the wheel panicked. She ran over an old lady who was slowly pushing a shopping cart across the parking lot. The old lady's head exploded like a grenade when it hit the pavement, so I told them to step on the gas and get us out of there. The whole affair was troubling me, but my giant genitals were so hard and stiff in my tight jeans and I couldn't have cared less about anyone other than myself. They could have run over six old ladies in the parking lot and I still would have had very needy wood in my pants. These girls were going to do me if it killed all of us.
Won't you go down on me
Down on my love
Baby, go down on me
Down on my love
It ended up being really weird. The girls wanted me to buy them some wine coolers and I did not have the patience required to walk into a liquor store and buy them. I needed relief. My throbbing unit had been purple, but it was now bone white with need. I pulled it out in the parking lot of the liquor store and the girls gasped. I told them I would pay for their damned wine coolers if they would take care of me. They did. At first they were timid, having never seen such a monstrous creature, but soon they were touching and stroking it and I was feeling a lot better. They finished me up real good. I can't go into the details because this is likely to be read by my mother and I don't want her to get the wrong idea about me. When all was said and done, I kicked back and lit a cigarette and felt so good that I could have run sixty laps around a football field with a smile on my face.
I have no idea what curry chicken tastes like.