Yesterday I incurred a standard gym injury. While replacing a barbell on the J-hooks of the rack, I managed to catch the tissues of my hand between the hook and the barbell, basically tearing and gouging out a small V of flesh.

Which meant that after cleaning out the wounds and so forth, I had to deal with Band-aids.

I don't remember the name of the guy who invented them, but I do remember the important gist of the story, he did it because his wife was a complete klutz. Before Band-Aids, what you'd do is cut a small piece of gauze and then tape it in place with medical tape. His wife was so frequently hurting herself that to be sarcastic he pre-made a bunch of these, taped them to wax paper, and told her just to help herself when needed. It was an insanely useful idea, and the product was a hit.

Note the use of the past tense. "Was". 

It's all part of the corporate world to take a product that works, and nerf it somehow. In the pursuit of profit, the Band Aid people decided that we didn't just need a Band-Aid, we need a CLEAR Band-Aid, because, you know, people like the look of suppurating open wounds, Band-Aids with Spongebob Squarepants on them and so forth.

The other thing they did was make the product unusable. That's also typical of corporations - they'll nerf any product they make. Take V1 of any software and then the brand new super wicked improved version they come out with ten years later - how many people use the HTML editing features or drawing programs in Microsoft Word? But they search mightily for the Print button, because it used to be straightforward as to where it was and how it worked. 

I mean, look at the latest version of Windows which most people can't use. Where's the Start Button? Why are you making a computer act like an XBox?

What does this have to do with Band-Aids?

My parents have a wooden box in their house, which I want access to for two reasons. The first is I want to throw away the three-decades expired cough syrups and anti-diarrhea and aspirins that they've kept around because of their incredible cheapness. And I want access to their Band-Aids.

People don't rememher the expression "pull the Band-Aid off" which meant to do something quickly to get it over with. It's not in use anymore because it makes no god damned sense.

Back in the day, with a real Band-Aid, when you tried to take it off, you risked taking skin off with it. If you were a hairy person, you were going to rip out hair. The two stratagems to deal with this scenario was to either try to peel it off very very very slowly and gingerly, or simply grab one end, brace yourself, and rip it off like a Brazilian wax strip, with the same results.

You could tell someone had had a Band-Aid somewhere, because there was a patch of skin that was slightly lighter than the rest of them - the top layer of dead cells having been exfoliated.

In fact, a gag on King of the Hill said that Cotton, a grizzled ex-military type who still rocked a flat top, would stick Band-Aids onto his skin and rip them off just to toughen him up.

None of this would make sense to a teen or early 20 something, because now they use a glue that was rejected for Post-It notes for being too weak. "Hey, hey, hey, listen, do you want the guy abandoning this and going and getting a piece of tape?"

Corporate nerfing of the product.

Stick a Band-Aid on, and within about 2 minutes it starts quietly peeling off the skin, and falls off within about 10 minutes.

Some people want a time machine to kill Hitler, some want one to get away from the modern world, but I just want a case of old-school Band-Aids, that WORK.