Lesson 1: A little Hebrew
Shomer is a guard or guardian in Hebrew. It can mean someone who is posted on watch duty, but in religious terms it can refer to someone who is observant. Negiah means touch. So someone who is shomer negiah is observant of touching.
Lesson 2: Some interpretation
The very simple interpretation of shomer negiah is that men and women don't touch. Orthodox Jewish people do not hold hands, kiss, cuddle, hug, tap the shoulder of, or shake hands with a member of the opposite sex. Yes, yes, I can hear the gulps and the gasps and the stifled utterances of: 'How do they manage to have babies?' and 'How do they manage to care for babies?' This is Judaism, rarely is it a blanket ruling.
The slightly more complex interpretation of shomer negiah is that Orthodox Jewish people do not touch anyone falling outside of their immediate family. Parents, children, grandparents, grandchildren, and spouses are, therefore, able to touch each other with relative impunity. I say relative impunity because a husband and wife cannot touch when the woman is regarded as niddah, or ritually unclean, which is when she is menstruating and for seven days following. (And after she's had a baby, but that's a bit different.) The rabbis do not seem to have reached agreement on whether or not it is permissible for adult siblings to touch each other. Quite why siblings fall outside of the general understanding of immediate family, I don't know. But you won't find the cantor kissing the cheek of the rabbi's wife after schul or the young couple on a shidduch date holding hands.
Lesson 3: Leviticus 18.6 and 18.19
It's hardly surprising that the laws governing shomer negiah come from Leviticus. The majority of laws are found there. But what does it say, precisely?
None of you shall come near anyone of his own flesh to uncover nakedness: I am the L-rd. (Leviticus 18.6)
Do not come near a woman during her period of uncleanness to uncover her nakedness. (Leviticus 18.19)
Now, I read 18.6 as being an instruction against incest. Indeed, it precedes the prohibitions against sleeping with various family members. I see 18.19 as relating fairly clearly to niddah. However, it seems that my interpretation doesn't take it far enough. The question remains: why no touching?
Lesson 4: Some more interpretation
Jane Austen wrote that: 'A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.' It would seem that the rabbis formed an interpretation of the consequences of human touch something along those lines. Touch can lead to lust, lust can lead to sex, and sex is reserved for marriage. Touch, therefore, is forbidden.
But that is a simplistic explanation of the law. It reduces it to the lowest common denominator, which isn't entirely fair. There's also a far more spiritual, more dedicated theory behind not touching. Touch is powerful, intimate. By allowing someone to touch you, you are making yourself vulnerable to her or him. But more than that, restricting who is able to touch you not only affords you protection from blurred intentions, mixed signals, and shattered expectations, it intensifies the impact of touching the right person. When you touch the right person, you really mean it.
Touch, like so many things in life, swings like a pendulum. It oscillates between sensory deprivation and sensory overload. There has been research into the negative effects of touch deprivation on young children's behaviour and of the health of older people. But if you've ever been over-stimulated by too much sound and light and feel, you'll know how disorienting, how nauseating it can feel. For people who are shomer negiah, there is no sensory overload, but every touch is electric.
Of course, not everyone adheres to the practice, whether Jewish or not, and this can create difficulties for those who prefer not to touch members of the opposite sex. How does one deal with the proffered hand of a business contact? Or a kiss on the cheek from an unsuspecting social acquaintance? What about a doctor of the opposite sex? Jostling on the Tube?
For some rabbis, the answer is simple: if there is no lustful intention behind the physical contact, it is permissible. So those deliberate but perfunctory acts of contact or accidental touches are not a cause for concern. In fact, it is just as important not to embarrass someone by refusing to shake hands with her or him as it is to adhere to shomer negiah. But, not all rabbis are convinced by the argument of the platonic handshake. It is something that differs across communities. Best advice when dealing with Orthodox Jewish people: assume the most stringent degree of observance.
Lesson 6: An anecdote
I've never been shomeret negiah. It's not something I can imagine being. For me, there are not enough hugs in this world. But I have moved in circles where it is the norm. Back when I was a student, my then-boyfriend and I dropped into our rabbi's house to tell him and his wife some good news. The rabbi's wife was so delighted by the news, she felt compelled to hug us both, but of course, she couldn't hug him. Instead, she hugged her eldest son and asked him to pass it on. Touching by proxy.
At arm's length