,by J.R.R. Tolkien
, as written by james joyce
once up on a time there was a magicman coming down the road and very nice magicman it was too and it came across little bilbo in the middle of the road and sat down. Hello little bilbo it said with a sigh all ticketyboo and then it proceeded to tell him a story, a long story, with dwarves and hobbits and orcs and trolls and gold in it lots of gold, and the hobbit was entranced with the vision of the sight of the magicman and the gesticulating and the ring with the words and the gold.
then not much happened for a time a small time a yabba-dabba-doo time.
when it was later there was a green person small and green yes green preciousssss and he wanted the ticketyboo ring to-whit that the hobbitses had in its pocketses. but the magicman had told little hobbo bilbo that it was the ring the one ring yesss and the green persons didn't gets it, precious, magic, kazam, bippityboppityboo.
then much much time past time passed time passè-d with the words talking the words talking in small fast rhymes that suddenly he was too dizzy to read so he began to think about the rivers and the barrels and the waters as he did so and it went something like this in his head
the rivers of the middleearth flow, they flow all of them into places and from places and through mountains and moria and hills and elendil and all and beneath the two true towers, the blue towers. thirteen rivers meet at fifteen points and exchange seventeen million gallonses of water, of water, and they all must meet for there is one ring, one ring to find them, one ring one ring not two not bracelets luv but one ring. then they meet near the land of the brown who was a necromancer, or the necromancer who was brown until he went bad, and there was one for mortal men doomed to die but some for the dwarven king in his halls of stone of stone yes stone like all was built but the ents could break the stone HOOM and when they did the water came rushing through in rivulets streams and rills.
one ring to find them. the hobbitses needed a good pint by now he did yes sir, and naturally near the rivers (from the lakes with the barrels) there was a fine pub a good tavern must've been old butterburs, yes, that's right, and
there was a dragon in the story boys and girls a big worm a wyrm with a brain and infravision which later went on to be a staple of ad and d yes. the story tells of how he went up to the dragon then the hobbit did
what a fine dragon you must be my goodness magnificent
and the dragon said why yes who goes there that's very perceptive of you little thief and where are you and it turned its glowing eyes to him
but the hobbit was quick and slick and invisible (quite a trick) and then he had some gold a little gold and Sting and a small mail and gold and the Wyrm came after them but the chink was there and the black arrow flew and
IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM.