Return to Cow (thing)

I, too, once [dated a vegetarian]. We had a fairly easy truce most of the time; early on in our relationship, she insisted that we go to a farm and actually [spend some time with a cow], convinced that that would ensure I would never be able to eat them again. In return, she swore, she'd never bother me about it again (unless I did something like cook [spam] in her kitchen).

So, off we went. We found a [likely looking pasture], and sure enough, there was a likely looking cow in the middle of it. Actually, there were like forty of them. After ten minutes of making extremely amusing faces and noises, she managed to [tickle] the curiosity of one of the [thickheaded] [behemoths] enough that it ambled over, still chewing.

She proceeded to [scratch its nose], [rub its head], talk babytalk to it, etc. Your general disgusting stuff. Then she waved me over. I ambled up to the fence, leaned over, inhaled the rich smell of [cowflop], and gazed at the cow.

The cow gazed back placidly, still chewing.

I looked deeep into its [slit-irised] eyes. Perhaps a flicker of [contact]...?

The [cow] stopped chewing, and looked at me a tad closer. It looked like she was examining my face carefully, but of course with [animals that don't have stereoscopic vision] it's hard to tell.

Then it spoke. [I swear it]. I heard the voice, and it was rich and smooth and [mellifluous], precisely the kind of [wise] yet simple deep tone you would expect from such a large and placid [creature]. And as I looked into its shallow eyes (they weren't that deep) it said, in a clear voice,

"Eat me."

And to this day, I get [hungry] just looking at cows wandering by. I must be [iron deficient] or something.