My girlfriend left me
or
Woohoo! I'm single again!
Getting up in the mornings have been proven to be really, really difficult. Whenever I awake from my solemn slumber, the events of the past week hit me like a sledgehammer. And then
my inadequacies make me want to cry. Eventually though, with every step around the apartment we had previously chosen to live in, the ghosts seem to disappear as quickly as it came. My brain reactivates into a more logical state where it can control my emotions and keep my coping skills in check. And after my showers, I feel fresh again, after another day without her.
She had left me on Thursday, October 18, 2001. I came home from work to find one of her hair elastics outside our back entrance to the building. It was white. As I looked upon it, my subconscious was telling me something I wasn't listening to, until I opened my unit door. Her stuff was gone. Her shoes were gone. Her clothes were gone. She left a short note on my Playstation 2 and it read:
Ben
It's over.
She was gone. There was no explanation. She left me with the $900 monthly rent. She left me with the responsibilty of packing what little she left in the apartment - things she might come back for. She left me all the bills to pay. Something so neat and proper a few days before is now a domestic mess.
I was appalled at the amount of paranoia involved in that selfish, irresponsible and most cowardly note as much as the shocking news. I drastically tried to reach her several times afterwards, leaving message after message, scrambling to mend our relationship. She simply did not want to talk. I was at a loss.
For a few days now, I've been trying to figure out the reasons she left. I've come up with a few that might interest some of you that may lead you to protect yourselves.
1. She's cheated on me and kept it a secret. She's been lying to me and her trips to London is part of a cover to see her other guyfriend. (Not sure, but it is possible.)
2. After almost six years of taking advantage of me financially, she's realized that she could not do it anymore, merely because I've finally smartened-up and held her accountable for what moneys she owed me. (This reason seems to be the most realistic.)
3. After finally being able to afford an automobile, a Volkwagen Golf GL, as well as a cellular phone, she realizes that she doesn't have to rely on me (just as I told her) all the time, then rationalizes it as a reason to break-up with me. (Also, highly likely.)
The past weekend, I spent most of my time talking to my dear friends about this situation. Some of them didn't like her before the break-up, others were somewhat impartial to her character, and still others only accepted her because she was my girlfriend. But after I told each and every one of them the news and what had happened, all of them were shocked. Most of them answered:
WHAT?!
...after I told them:
"She left me."
"I am single again."
And yes, most of them deemed this behaviour as "cowardly", even "faceless" and "heartless". The worst part of it is, although I felt a tinge of love for her, I concurred with these judgements. Some even said to me, "GOOD RIDDANCE!" Anyone who left like that deserves such a harsh comment.
Six years of being together. 2 months of looking for a place together, 1 month of setting it up and painting the place (she painted it in a week), 2 months of helping to look for a job for her - all of this within the past three months (as things happened concurrently). But even before that:
$2500.00 of helping her out while she was still in university;
My taking a day off from work and driving up to her graduation (when she didn't even attend mine the year before) from Toronto to Ottawa;
Helping her move from Ottawa to Toronto using my own resources - my father's van and my blood and sweat;
Driving her to many job interviews within Toronto...
Well, it's an endless list of things and emotional stages that requires a book to be written. Six years cannot be summarized in only one write-up.
All I know, is that everything we did together is now a waste. A waste of time and energy on the practical things, and a waste of the years of emotional and relational development.
With all the loving and relationship problems and the efforts to correct and resolve them all, it is now over. All this was for nothing - because she said so, not because we said so.
I still cannot fathom the amount of selfishness displayed by her irreverent behaviour. I don't even believe the worst of humankind could ever do something like this.
It took all my strength and effort to make this relationship work. She's not done one single thing to change or even evolve herself. I was suckered. She had manipulated my feelings and my generosity, and now, karma will get her.
..and yes, I sort of feel a little better now that I've vented my frustrations on this log. Thanks, Everything 2.
I know there are some things I have barely touched upon in regards to my relationship with the person. I also know that her side of things may seem very much different to mine. In that case, I can only guess, but with a wealth of knowledge, what she could be thinking now:
I wasn't taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. Though I knew I could not sum up to what you have done for me in practical terms, I have indeed helped you in terms of emotional development. And that's what troubled me the most. It was our constant fighting for the past three months we were living together. What I thought to be insignificant was apparently significant to you. I am as stubborn as you when it comes to these things, but I know that you made an effort to rectify them. I simply did not have enough influence from my parents in the past. The mother didn't aid me when I needed it and my father passed away when I was too young. Perhaps it would be different if I had caring parents like yours. Perhaps I would have had the common sense you so glamourously talked about.
It was just too much. I am a "free" being. Although I know you think of it as being "careless" and irresponsible, but I see it as being a person without attaching strings. When we moved in together, I did not know about certain practicalities that holds a couple together. I felt completely overwhelmed by the responsibilities that were tacked onto me. I could not bare them. And you know, I still have those panic attacks. Driving to your work place and getting lost in the process was a good indication of that.
I know that you cannot accept that I could not change as much as you have. That is why I left you. Not about these practical things you speak of. I know you enough to know that those were just your fighting words, and that you don't really believe in those words. I also know that that was what appeared to have happened. In that case, I am not good enough to show what you needed to see. Perhaps I actually didn't appreciate you enough in ways you wanted.
Nonetheless, I have left, and I feel better for it even though it means losing the one I most dearly love, treasure and cherish. You still remain "the guy who saved me". but now, I need to be a person on my own.
I'm sorry for having to leave this way. I'll return your things when I feel I have enough strength to resist kissing you. I know it appears that my accountability is lacking. But I will prove it by paying you back when I have it.
As for the love, I just hope it can remain in our memories so that we can remember the good things and learn from the bad...
If only she could be so eloquent.