This daily agonizing is draining the life out of me.

I know I need to stop - but I can't. I suppose I'll have to go through all the phases and then live a normal life afterwards. Well, I'm in the phase where all I want is pr0n. Strips clubs would be a good idea, but none of my friends want to go there, for fear of being too horny and having many lapdances. They don't want to spend any money.

However, I am on the verge of wanting another relationship. Perhaps something a little less serious. I found myself logging onto one of those personals websites. I still have to complete a short description about myself and what I am looking for, but I cannot bring myself to write anything. I realize that still, I am not over her.

I am and I am not.

I also wonder if my wanting a relationship is only for the motivation of sex. I'm not that kind of person, so I'll lead myself to believe all I need is someone to talk to.

In other, more interesting developments, I've finally discovered what road lust is about. It's basically flirting with drivers, in my case, good-looking female drivers, by accelerating and decelerating as well as changing lanes all in a manner like that of a ballroom dance. All of this is done in your car. Of course, It's most effective if the car has some cosmetic enhancements like a body kit. So far, I've flirted with the driver of a Hyundai Tiburon and a driver of a VW Golf.

Here we go again...

Superficial discord in favour over having to be with someone whom you're in love with and to spend the rest of life with? In my world, this is unheard of. This decision lacks all the moral, and spiritual principles that I hold so dearly to my heart and soul. I am still quite astounded as to the outcome of this. Mice are more intelligent than this.

I still have a reason to believe that there could be an outside influence to this situation, one where it has been kept secret all this time. I need to know the truth!