I never understood why people go to graves of loved ones and talk to them. Of course, no one I've ever loved has died. I couldn't imagine talking to an object that won't talk back, and if it did, like the audible voice of God, you'd likely die of fright. Me, I just talk to myself.

I haven't found anyone who, when I don't know what to do, I can go to for advice. Part of it is my own arrogance. I see how people I know have led their life, and I just don't see how they will be able to relate, so I don't go. I don't want people to shrug in my direction or say things that are totally off the mark. Everyone I know is married or hasn't had a relationship in years and it would be rude to whine to them about my issues. Those that are married have been in that married mind so long that remembering what it was like to not be married is a struggle for free memory. Also, most of the married people have kids, which is so far from where I am it's laughable.

I live in this dual world, one where I want to believe that everything can only be taken for its value right now, that we are promised and guaranteed nothing from life. But you just can't believe that and believe in something like love, or other people.

So I'm sitting here, drinking piss beer and wondering what will come of it all. I am the master planner. I can react to most situations with a reconnaissance mentality. People say I am a survivor. I say to myself that I will get through this or that simply because I always have. I remember someone telling me once that in scientific circles they even state that the likelihood of something to continue is much more probable than the likelihood that it will stop. That some things boil down to terms that simple.

I always told myself that it wasn't the fear of failing that drove me away from challenges; it was the fear of succeeding, because that much more will be expected from me. Keeping something going is always more scary for me. Ending things has always been my default setting. The decision is as much mine as anyone else's how far anyone can go within my life.

My eyes burn when I close them. It must be time for sleep.