I've learned, when the day rolls over on E2, I stick with the day I'm given. I went to see Vigilantes of Love Sunday night at the Howlin' Wolf. It was practically just the people I brought with me in my Festiva that were in the entire place. So sad. A woman named Dayna Kurtz went on before the band. She's from NJ and she said after the WTC deal, all these Wall Street rollers she knew were getting all spiritual and people were getting divorced left and right. She thought it was just strange.

Suzy stayed over last night. She brought her tools to make collages and her toothbrush. We bought Rally's and some Shiner Bock and talked until midnight. Ken took Bryan and Carson out to the Mermaid, which I thought was good for all three of them. They stayed out very late and Ken didn't sleep again until he'd hit some 30 something hour mark. He and I agree that he's dangerous when he's unemployed. Ken is a good friend. He's seeing all his friends going through wacky times right now and he's reaching out to each of us.

Today at work, I got pulled into a meeting about something I had done with some pre-printed flyers. We were supposed to mail off the ones that were already folded from the printers, but for some reason I thought they were being reserved for another purpose. Now we have all these folded ones we don't need that were pretty expensive and one department is upset at my department. Words like resource and support flew around, making my head spin. I was already at that almost-crying state, and I couldn't handle well being reamed for errors at work at that point. It was then decided that I would no longer be a support resource for this other department and that maybe that department could get its own assistance. I expressed that often felt more stressed out because I wanted to do a good job, which often caused me to make more mistakes. I felt like saying that I wouldn't be so stressed and unfocused if I could afford to pay my bills on what I get paid, but that isn't their concern. If I could have food in the fridge and gas in my car, I might not be so touchy at work. But that again is not their problem.

We had Bible study tonight, our last before the holidays. The whole week of Proverbs we were studying was about wealth. I didn't want to add to the discussion, because I couldn't relate. These people were talking about buying Christmas presents for their whole big family and I haven't had the money to buy gifts for my parents since I've moved here. I am trying not to think about Christmas.

I checked out the college schedule for spring and they have two classes of the four I need, one of which is at night. If I can apply soon enough, I could be taking them next year. That's exciting and scary as hell.

I've been talking to a few noders about my situation. jethro_bodine and panamaus in particular has been very helpful, trying to make me see things from all angles. As I've said, if I know a bit about why something has an effect on me or why people may be acting as they do, I can deal with things much better. If would help if I knew what was going on in Carson's head so that I can find peace in this, but I feel like he'd rather just be left alone.

I tried to hock this extra TV I have at a pawn shop, but they were only going to give me $10 for it; they called is a sympathy buy, since it was so old (1984). I ended up bumming a dollar from Terri, a friend who also goes to Bible Study, added it to the dollar Suzy left in my car as emergency money and the quarters in my wallet and bought a pack of smokes. Then she gave me five more dollars. Life is like that. Some here, some there.

On Saturday morning, I dropped Carson's Linux CD and some photos he had left here in his mailbox and slipped a note under Sandi's windshield wiper at her house; she hadn't responded to my emails and I can never catch her on the phone. She and I will get together Thursday, when we both get paid, get some coffee or something. People are good. I will have a long time to be alone. It's good.

You there with a paintbox
You there with paper and pen
Me I got this blunt instrument
I'm gonna play on till the end
From VOL's song, Skin