All day, I've been trying to tell myself that I will be okay, and that I'm sane. Telling myself that I'm not paranoid, and nor am I overly sensitive to the world. Then, I finally told myself today that
you deny that fact in an attempt to suppress that facet of your reality. Hard to swallow, but a great step in my mental development I suppose. Sometimes I even question the motives of my actions, on why I do them, whether they be for personal development or a way to tell myself the truth by the words chosen. But since I can't tell, what can I do.
For once, I don't feel so tired. Nah. I am dead tired. Who am I lying to? It's been a short day, but it's been filled with tiresome activities. Mentally straining and physically draining. The best way for an insomniac to fall into the void of slumber I suppose. Effective, but painful.
I woke up an hour before work started. I quickly scrambled to iron my uniform. Damn
IKEA. They demand perfection even when their products are not, but I can't blame them I suppose. I would demand it from my department as well. I get there, and I get moved to another department because my manager's grandfather recently passed on. We sent our deepest regards and hoped him a speedy recovery back to work.
I head upstairs for my break with my
Microeconomics book. I didn't finish all of my reading, but I was pretty close. I reached upstairs, and people started talking to me. It was weird to me, simply because its the first time I talked to people on my break really. It's unusual for me since they were full adults and I still felt like a teenager, out of place in the workplace but I managed. Proud would be a good word to describe the moment but then I realized that I didn't finish my reading so I might be in trouble.
I run downstairs and they made me climb a ladder. My intense
acrophobia took quick grip and they noticed. They told me to come down but at the time, it was something that I had to conquer and I did. Another proud moment I suppose. I quickly finish my work and head off to
UBC.
I asked my mother to leave me the car today since the damn
translink strike has halted my bus riding days for a while. I didn't tell her why I wanted the car. All she knew was I simply wanted it. My sister asked but I simply answered "I had a date". I didn't want to tell them that I had summer school simply because I knew that this would be the last semester at
UBC I would have for at least another year and to quit in the summer would also make me feel worse as a quitter. While I know that they would understand, I was more afraid of how hard I would be on myself. I'm not afraid of facing my mistakes but I'm afraid of the torment of my own mind, as I have high expectations in life, especially for myself. Finally, after 40 minutes of
rush hour traffic, I get to
UBC but not before I go to
McDonald's for lunch/dinner.
Economics class was full, and I saw people I didn't want to see. Since I was dropping out of Engineering, people wanted to know why. But graciously, I evaded the questions that were not needed to be answered. I thought that it was to the point that it was a need to know basis. The class itself was easy, but definitely more interesting than my
electrical engineering classes. I knew all the theory before since I helped people with their homework and I wish that this was the field that I was destined to be in. I didn't say much to Sway and Alana there, since I didn't want to be distracted but I did nap for about 10 minutes in there. Nice professor at least. Even used condoms as an example of supply and demand. But I hope that the subjects will get a little harder. No challenge, no fun.
I head home, but I get a phone call. It's her. She's calling again. I told her I'd call her back but then she said "Yeah sure...Just like last time..". Sometimes I wonder what would happen when
she pulled the "I love you" on me and I told her that back. Confusion runs through my mind but I didn't to think and didn't want to go home so I called
MrFurious to go to the gym. He didn't want to so I went to
Superstore. I went to buy some ovaltine but saw my old high school classmate Fonny instead. Damn, she looks damn attractive. Still stunned by her astonishing attractiveness, I bump into my mom. She wasn't particularly pleased but what can she do about it. I let them go home first while I go out and wander on my own.
It was a nice evening I suppose. The sun hasn't completely set yet but the first glimpses of night has popped through the horizon. It was beautiful how the light shimmered off the skyscraper glass windows, like how halogen light makes glass shimmer. I made it to
Minoru Park, and sat there on the grass for about 2 hours. I stared at the sky, with my jacket covering my pants from grass stains. I felt my skin turn numb form the cold, but I didn't mind. Finally, I realized that it was almost completely dark so slowly, I dragged my feet along the grass on the way to the car. I looked back, and realized that I need more days like this, at least moments like these. I didn't think about anything. I just let my mind rest. It was better than sleep. Better than dreaming. Better than life.
I come home, and soak in the tub for about 30 mins. I come online, and sit here. I took a quick snack break to eat
instant noodles. Now I just came back in from the balcony, my sanctum. The moon hid from me tonight, but the breeze came out in full force, bombarding my body with cold, challenging me to stand up to its fury. I didn't have the will today. I came back inside, closing the glass sliding door behind me.
It's 1:40 am and I should go sleep. Work in about 12 hours and it takes me about 2 hours to get to work because of the infernal strike. But I'll leave after
Tonight by
Fin.K.L is over. But maybe I'll just sleep on the computer desk tonight. I just hope I can sleep...period...
I feel the rhythm of the wind on my back as I walk. My skin senses the treble, while my neck detects the bass. My
wringing hands tremble, and shake furiously. I fall to my knees, feeling the ground against my skin. I place my hands down besides my knees, feeling the soil on my palm. I stretch out and lie on the grass and look up at the night sky. I close my eyes, and open them quickly. The sky
fades to black. I sleep...