Hmm. Once again, I'm left to ponder whether the day today would be one to remember or one to be hoped to forget. Filled with release and anxiety, fear and hope, I see no tunnel at the end of this path.
Like any other day, my day begins after midnight. Once again, on the phone. Its almost pathetic actually. My black computer chair has my butt groove on it. Sort of funny in once sense, sort of pathetic in the other. But this time, I thought that its time to stop complaining and get off my chair and get some fresh air. Its actually sort of nice type of thing. I get up and take a walk out. Living in the center of the city has its advantages I guess. Everything is in the vacinity, everything from a grocery store to a
7-11. After getting a slurpee, I walk over to a restaurant, having a craving for
congee. Damn I love that stuff. But on the way there, all dressed up and stuff in my thug outfit, a brash, young taiwanese man fronts me. Hmm. How interesting. Its sort of funny. Its something that I never think about. I make comments about other people to my fellow chinese or filipino friends but I don't know whether the person understands. This creep says something about me so I confront him. I guess that says something about the stability of my mind. After feeling like a big man, I go inside and enjoy my congee while talking on the phone with a pleasant lady friend of mine.
Again, until the break of morning, I sit on my computer, diligently typing on
ICQ and
e2. All the while, talking on the phone, with the occasional washroom breaks. At the same time, I'm still thinking of what to do. Maybe its my mind that is seeking solace in my life's affairs but it seems like I am about to fall into exhaustion. Maybe someone will understand when I say that I have had such little sleep lately that my eyelids are sticking to my eyeballs. Anyone got some
WD-40?
I try to get sleep, but again, my own mind wanders and tortures me to no end. I think of how life is so difficult. I guess its hard to think positively when you can't tell your own family your problems. I try to fall into sleep, yet I cannot. Its frustrating but what can I do. I wait and wait...until the end comes..or sleep comes..whatever comes first doesn't really matter..
I drift off into sleep. Yet I can feel the pores of my skin, feeling the draft from the window. Damn. I left it open again but I don't want to get up. I rather be cold than never to sleep again. Or at least it feels like eternity until I fall into slumber again. Uncomfortable, but tolerable. I start feeling numb. Maybe I'm almost dead. Naw. Too good to be true. Sleep, here I come.
I wake up two hours later. Off to school I go. I sit dumbfounded in my class. Nothing goes in. I bite my nails. I place my head on my crossed arms. I stare out the window. Seeing the trees swaying in the wind. So peaceful. Makes me want to sleep.
Ring.
UBC bell rings. I should sleep near plants. Too bad I live on a third floor apartment.
UBC wargamers HQ I go. Play some
Magic: The Gathering. How interesting. I used to love torturing the rookie players into submission but I had no pity on them today. Turn one. Dead. Turn two. Dead. Turn three. Dead. How lovely. Slowly, I walk over to the bus stop. I stop to stare at the sky. How blue it is today. Then a droplet hit my eye. Just my luck.
I try to sleep again on the bus, but to no avail. Stupid university students. They never shut up. I should know. I'm the loudest bastard of them all.
Home I go.
Ring. I get a phone call. Its a lady friend. Wanting to eat lunch. I wasn't thinking of lunch but since she's there its cool. Japanese food. We talked, and I spilled my guts out to her. Hmm. While paying, she sniffs me and says I smell good. Bonus! I smell her back. Damn. She smelled so good that my hair on my back (I think I only have one) stood in attention. Then we went to see her boyfriend. How lovely. I'm a "girl friend". Lovely. But she gives me a ride home, then a courtesy hug, another sniff on her and I'm off to home.
Nothing happens, so I drift into neverland. Until my mom comes through the door and screams. Lovely. Off to the gym I guess.
MrFurious and I head over to the gym. We see a friend of ours. Everyone probably knows somebody like him. The preverbial bastard, liar, and self indulging bastard. But at least he has a nice car. Before he hit something with it. Then, like any other day, back into the arcade.
DDR doesn't have the luster that it had back then but its all good. I guess.
We come to my house and play some more
Magic: The Gathering. Then he heads home. Now I'm here, in the dark once again.
I sit here, alone in the void of my living room. I speak no words for I fear what truths I would say. While most ponder what is in the future, I ponder what value the present has to me. Whether I should be here or not. I guess its trivial matters but when the person you love lies to you, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. The rules have been broken. Nothing will be the same again.
On the way home today, I looked up. It was lightly drizzling. The rain was so fine that it seemed like fog, as the light shone through the clouds looked grey with the lights of the streets. I guess I feel like that right now. It seems like fog, but is actually raining. To wish to be something of no substance yet be actually one of feelings.
I now sit here, in the dark, with the sounds of the keys ringing in my ears. Slowly a tear comes down my left eye, as I can no longer contain it all. It defiles my being, contains my hopes, yet contradicts what I want. I touch it with my right index finger and look at it as it pools on my fingertip. I let it drop to the ground, where it was meant to be. I guess I should let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe its time for this dog to sleep.