Today was another mediocre
day, but one that gave another one of those memories that will stay with you for a while. Like a lingering feeling, or even comparable to phantom limb syndrome
but not as severe I suppose. The korean music is always as entertaining but beginning to toll on my mind as I am starting to understand what they are saying, which depreciates the overall value of listening for the simple melodies. I realize that the simplest solution would simply be to listen to instrumental music but what's the fun in life if it was ever so simple
Not a long day by any standards but a great day at that. Woke up late, ignoring phone calls on my cell phone simply because I didn't want to go out and buy stuff for my friend Deborah at Ikea
. Maybe I should have, especially since she's cute. She did come to my birthday celebration but I doubt that she talks to me simply because of my personality. But at the same time, she's very attractive and I know that I will wind up getting it for her but not now.
We went to that vietnamese pho
place across my house and then went over to Delta
to pick up Dawadeving
. It was one of those things where we would drive a good 20 kilometeres because of sheer boredom. Still, I have my mind on last night, where old friends contacted me. Nostalgia I suppose but uncomfortable would have been the better word.
Sometimes I don't know what to comform to anymore. It's simply too easy to tell me that I should do things for myself but I can't anymore. I have snapped once again, and I don't really care whether I go to school
or not. Am I to be the intellectual that I so desire to be? Or the educated occupational professional that my family desires me to be? Or the sensitive caring friend that my female friends expect to hear from once in a while? Or the lewd, shrewd, and often screwed goofball around my good friends? Self-delusion, mediocrity and questions bound the world around me and I don't know how to let go. While I understand that everyone else in the world go through this, why can I not simply let go? I have tried to get help, but to no avail. I have tried to distract myself only to come back with such despair. I have tried to ignore it only for it to grow like a mold
within myself. I try so infernally hard to become what everyone tells me and it drives me insane. I try to live for myself and it drives me crazy. I find a balance and I find myself yearning for more. Have I degraded so far that I can no longer distinguish between the happiness and the melancholy
that is simply a part of growing up and maturing into an adult?
A recently made friend told me yesterday that she wouldn't be able to talk to me anymore because her mother believed that she may be suspect to my alterior motives
. Humorous indeed as I don't really have an alterior motive. I found her intellectually intriguing which I personally found very attractive but at the same time, it didn't even come to mind. Drove me insane I tell you. She called me tonight but I wasn't able to talk to her for long. The mindless drivel which is the complaning of my constant companions about myself being on the cell for too long encouraged my still compromising reflexes to hang up, even though I wanted to stay on and hear more. I realize that it's my life but alienating friends isn't really my forte
as well so I chose to take the lesser of two evils. When will I talk to her again? I have no idea, but I hope its soon, though I doubt that. I tell myself sometimes that I'm simply a victim of fate
but let destiny dig itself a burrow in which it can hide for no longer can I stand it. What hurts even more is that I know most of this is simply my fault.
Now I'm here, alone, venting out to the world in a silent voice that can only be heard from afar as the clicking
of keys. Monotonous sounds that mean nothing except to myself and my hands. I take a deep breath and smell the humid air within the room I am in and feel a great relief in my lungs. For simple moments such as these I wish my life to be filled with. Yet at the same time, I am a living contradiction as I make decisions that are simply more complex because I don't want to be bored while I strive for a simple life. I'm a farm boy by heart but a city boy in character. Inner conflicts, outward complexities and an unnerving balance.
An excerpt from the scribbles of my little notebook:
I remember as I held her hand on the park bench. I felt her silky complexion against my rough skinand felt tantilized at the purity that I am being exposed to. She was crying tenderly, with each tear being followed by another as they dribbled down her face. I placed my right index finger right below her left eye to catch her tear before they fell down to her mouth. She placed her head upon my chest and held my left hand tightly. She spoke words of discontent regarding her significant other
but my mind was elsewhere. I was there, listening, but thinking how easy it would be to manipulate this moment to my advantage. Then I realized how I knew I wouldn't anymore. The moment continued for another 2 hours. At that point, I almost allowed a tear to come down my face not because I was empathetic
but I was simply disgusted at how I have become. I stared up to find an answer but the stars can only give you beauty not answers. Maybe another day.