The day grows weary on me today, both physically and mentally. My mind is tired, feeling old, feeling the effects of time. Lack of rest isn't good for the mind nor the body.
Insomnia still hasn't wrested its grip off me and my drugs don't work unless it involves alcohol, even then it is more dangerous. But even then, maybe a few hours of sleep is
worth the risk.
The night again falls upon us, a blanket of stars and sky. Sitting outside, I adjust my glasses. They're still
bent. My buddy bent them way back when we played some
basketball in the evening. It was still slightly drizzling, and I wasn't wearing a jacket this time. I wanted to catch cold. I wanted a day off and call in sick or something. But I need to pay my
phone bill so I knew that I had to go back. I stood there, for about an hour after my friend called my
cell phone. It was about 5 am and I sat there until 6 am. I watched the sun rise from behind the high rises in my neighborhood, and saw as the sky changed from a dark navy blue to a slight yellowish glaze. My eyes begin to get sore from the increase of light, so I go back inside.
I close my eyes and press my hands together and say a silent prayer. I hear myself breathing and shuffle until the blood in my body becomes uniform. I couldn't sleep so I left my computer on, with my
ballads playing in the
winamp. When 6:30 came, I was half asleep, just slightly wavering from the melodies of the music. Subsequently, my vision blurred, and the void claimed my consciousness.
She called me this morning.
Ring. 9 am.
Hello.
Who's this?. I'm not a morning person so I have very rude telephone manners.
Who else is it?. I was afraid of that. I've never been so glad and afraid to hear someone's voice in my whole life. We spoke for a while, trying to mend
old wounds, trying to rejuvinate flames and develop trust lost long ago. Inadvertantly, she started creying. With each
sniffle, I shuddered at the spine. I could almost see the tears running down her cheek or the way she's holding the stuffed animal I gave her so long ago. Everything with her seemed so long ago. It's sort of weird when someone tells you that they want you to control them so that you can trust them once again. There is that
uncertainty that they are simply doing this until you break your control then they will break your trust again. Besides, I know that nothing in life is fair. Even
karma can't be completely fair. Reluctantly, I said my goodbyes and turn off my cell phone. I close my eyes once again, and I fall back asleep, with an image of her face in my mind....
I wake up later in the afternoon and already the day grows weary to me. Due to my lack of mobile transportation, I had to resort to grabbing a courtesy shuttle bus to the
Richmond Auto Mall to get to
Jacombs road by
Ikea. It seemed like a good idea until the driver glared at me. Maybe he glared because I was wearing a
bandana and
sunglasses. 20 minutes later, I get off the bus. I walk slowly towards work as I was almost an hour early. With my discman in my pocket and the sun high up in the sky, I took my time. Again, being alone, having time to think, is a bad thing as one starts thinking. When the slow songs starts playing on my discman, I found myself mouthing the words. By the time I got to work, I needed a bloody
kleenex. Sweet merciful crap.
I got to work with about 45 minutes until I started so I sat outside. People were smoking their
cigarettes and I sat alone on the other table. I put the headphones on and started thinking. The sun, out in full forece, beat down on my yellow skin. As I sat, people came back inside and left me alone. I began staring out at the cars parked outside. The sudden noises of a passing airplane or the slight sweating from my arm due to the heat made the day relaxing as it has been the whole day. Sip by sip, I drank my
Diet Pepsi, refreshing my parched throat. Serves me right for singing to myself.
I breathe deeply the spring air and detect the slight hint of the coming summer. Most people say that
summer is the time for fun and spiritual renewal but I don't look forward to it. It has always been a season of both bitter and sweet memories. As I began pondering back, I let my focus wander onto the
UPC symbol on my pop bottle. At least that is something I'm sure will not change within the next day or so. Security. It gave me security. It made me smile.
Work passed like a breeze, with no bad customers and an overabundance of workers on the floor. I didn't have much trouble with anything there so I actually had time to talk to my co-workers. They were surprised that I could actually talk. Afterwards, I head on home.
After a quick game with
Dawadeving of
Brood War, I find myself here again at night. I sat outside my balcony again. I'm trying to make a groove for my
butt in the astroturf in the balcony. I started thinking again, and this time, there wasn't a
UPC symbol to save me.
There were moments in the day when I felt as if I'm getting out of this funk but time and time again, I fell back into the festering pit of self-degradation. I head inside to my little
outcove to grab my photo album. I started looking back at my old pictures and saw the happiness then, before I had any real responsibilities. Now, no longer a child, I suffer
growing pains. Not willing to ascend to adulthood, I turn back to live in the innocence filled days of the past. As they say, you can't know where you're going without knowing where you have been. The problem is that while I know where I've been, I just don't know where I'm supposed to go. WIthout a guide, I wander
aimlessly, hoping that I find my way, lest be swallowed up by my own self-wallowing. Finally, I'm here. In the dark. Alone. Just the way its been since I've longed remember. I breathe deeply, and take my time to exhale...
I look over the ledge and see the depth of the abyss. I take one step forward and feel no resistance on the ground. I hear no sound other than the beating of my heart and the filling of my lungs. I look inside and only find darkness. I hold my arms out and jump. I do not fear the abyss. May I be lost in it so I no longer feel what it feels to be alive...