I was planning not to sleep at all today. Insomnia hasn't gripped me, but I guess its the potential eagerness of what I wished to happen. Its okay I guess. Disappointment shows through, though I didn't want this weakness to peer through the eyeglass. Once again, once I have found something joyous, it is taken away. But again, its okay. There's nothing I can do.

Saturday was a disappointment on its own right, with work at Ikea being one of the highlights. The night was definitely a more pleasant experience, but once again, control was wavering in the eyes of beautiful sweet temptation. I shiver at the thought of living on instinct and pure feeling, as I am a being of logic. Yet I could not contain myself. Whether that is my true nature or simply is a condition that is caused by my mental instability, it is undetermined but that doesn't matter. What matters is what happens if I do lose control. Will I feel remorse? Will I feel guilt? I speak no more tonight, no more words. They are empty, no meaning, as my mind has depraved all meaning from their mouthed sounds from my throat. I place my blanket around me, during this warm summer night, reminding me of the happier winter days that passed behind.

Knowing that I won't have much time to do anything, I try to plan everything at the cost of sleep. What else do I have to lose? But what leaves you and doesn't come back to you wasn't yours in the first place. I breathe slowly, feeling my heart beating, and feel the callous on the palm of my left hand. I feel its hardness and how its a testament to hard work and endurance. Its the little things that make life's meaning more clear every single day.

Last night wasn't a great night for sleep, as I didn't sleep until 7 AM. People won't take no for an answer but I didn't get asked whether I wanted to sleep or not. Simple giggles and simple changes in tone seem to make phone conversation more interesting. Every word was a blessing, every change in volume detected by my overeager ears. Finally, I try to close my eyes, and with the help of Bailey's and Ativan finally sleep. I did drift off slowly, with images of the night before flowing through my mind, and images of people left behind screaming curses at me. I clench my fist closely, and bite down on my lip until it bleeds. I taste the iron in my mouth, and swallow. Just take the pain. Nothing else exists when you sleep. Only sweet dreams...

Janet Jackson's Twenty Foreplay plays in my mind while sleep. "Sleep my love, don't you worry you just sleep my love..." I wake up groggy, with the sound of my dream in my head. The tune doesn't leave my mind, but that's okay. I head over to work, with the mixture of prescription medicine and alcohol still lingering in my body. I work 7.5 hours tired and slowly, with consciousness threatening to slip from my brain every moment that I lose concentration. I get through, and get out before all of my co-workers think I'm a pothead or a stoner. Weird smirks, and weirder names for me (Fluffy! I don't look bloody fluffy!) can't even get me to crack a smile. But at least I'm being hooked up at work by a customer. Gag. Even my customers are seeing my lack of happiness.

I come home, only to go out with the promise of seeing beautiful women in scantily clad outfits. Viva club was the first stop, only to find it near deserted. Easter Sunday for you. Then off to Wett Bar. The line up is crazy so we head over to Sonar. Damn it. No line up but it was gay and lesbian night. While the idea was fine with me, my friend didn't feel comfortable with the idea. Head over to Shine but then he preferred Wett Bar. I don't really see a difference and get annoyed but say nothing. Silence is truly golden sometimes.

Wett Bar is packed and the line up was as bad as it was before. We stand there for almost 50 minutes in the cold, only to get in and just drink a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonade and stare at the girls. One of our friends get sick and we bring him home but not before making a pit stop at Denny's. Now I'm home, alone.

I sit here, blinking rapidly as my eyes are dry. My throat is just as dry. I don't know what I feel about anything anymore. Disappointment abounds me everywhere, but its not anyone else's fault. I'm just too sensitive I guess. I just wish I got what I wanted though. I just want to be a child again. I want my innocence back.

Close your eyes and imagine me there. Blink slowly, and believe that I'm there, like how you imagine me there. Close your eyes once more and imagine me holding you. Blink slowly and feel that I am there. Close your eyes and imagine the darkness engulfing me. Blink slowly. I'm no longer there.