It disturbs me on how my mind has deteriorated beyond belief. To almost lose control, to undergo such a change scares me.
Logic has always dictated what happens in my life and still is to this point in time. But for few moments today, animal
instinct overtook what I thought would be an inpenetrable barrier that I have put up against such an event. I apologized, but the damage has been done. Nothing serious has happened, and my intentions were good, but nothing can ever bring back those moments, and somehow, I'm glad and disappointed. Glad that I don't have to relive those moments, but disappointed that it happened. My hands are covered with the color of guilt, and I can't wash it off.
I turn off my floor lamp. The glare from the computer screen fades to black. I blink, trying to adjust to the sudden darkness that enveloped the room. Silence is my companion once again, like it is any other night. I click on the
start menu and play winamp.
DDR music,
Lenny Kravitz and other slow music play in the background. It soothes my mind, and makes me remember back to days that I was happy and content. Days when I was younger, more brash, more
innocent, more
wild. I long for those days, but again, they were trying times and my teenage years are about to pass. This music reminds me of girlfriends of the past, of how we used to have
theme songs. Now I try not to walk around the neighborhood remembering of where we were together, how we were together, and times of the glorious past. I bow my head in shame for thinking about such futile times, but still, a smile comes into my face, as I loved them then as I do now.
With
Son By Four playing in the background, I slowly contemplate the events of the recent day. I was supposed to be in
UBC writing my
Electrical Engineering final, but I knew that I was doomed to fail the course, with or without the final, so I decided to grab some sleep. A lady friend came over, and we spent the afternoon together. It was a joyous time, as I thoroughly enjoyed her company, and I wish that she enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed hers. I brought her home, and once again, I was home, this time alone.
I step out into my third floor balcony. Its a beautiful day from the inside, but terrible outside. Clear skies but drizzling rain. The heavens are a nice shade of light blue, but the blistering winds make my arm hair stand up. But I was determined not to let nature beat me like it has been for the longest time. I stand there, defying the cold, while staring at the cherry blossom tree across the street. The pink leaves are slowly turning color, yet they still retain their beautiful color. I started thinking about what happened today and begain to believe that even beautiful things have to stop sometime. Depression has hit me again, and this time, I need my
Ativan.
I step back inside, and cook some rice. Today was a day of contemplation, and even the faucet gave me some sort of inspiration. The flowing of the water seemed to have captured my interest and never let go. I stood there for a moment, how it would be to be like water, always flowing, to follow the natural rhythm of life. Yet, the natural rhythm of the world may not be the best for me. It may lead to disaster or may lead to paradise. I'm not a gambling man so I proceed carefully through everything. After cooking the rice, I slowly stagger onto my couch. With my blanket over me, I take a nap, only to realize that when I woke up, its nighttime and the moon is out in full swing.
I take a walk out, with
MrFurious, depositing my
income tax refund check, playing some
DDR and grabbing some food at the nearby grocery store. We crack dirty jokes, but nothing serious today.
I come back home, and for a while, watch some
Law and Order. Love that show. Police show and courtroom drama all in one. Then again, I'm here once again.
With my yearbooks scattered, I'm tempted to flip through them and see what people have written for me. I have seen them before, but like my socks, are lost beyond my comprehension. I remember back to the
first love of my life, about how she took my breath away, and still does. I think about how much I miss her and how whatever I do, I won't wake up one day, with her in my arms, telling me that she loves me. I think about the other ladies, about how much fun and happiness I had with them. Then realize that I am alone while they are happier without me. Its hard sometimes, being a person with low self esteem, to believe that they were happier with me. I guess not. Slowly, I glare at the distant corner of my room, and sit quietly. I let the darkness seep into my pores. It is my friend, my enemy and my world. I fear it no longer.
I look but do not see
I listen but do not hear
I am one
I am at peace
- Exerpt from my friend