Monkey Boy and I are going to see
Howard Stern's
Private Parts on opening night.
Toys "R" Us is a 2 minute walk from the theater so we usually indulge
Monkey's toy
fetish with a browse through the
action figures and the
Legos.
We get in
Toys "R" Us and
Monkey is pestering me on my intent to
shoplift batteries.
We look at all the
New Star Wars Figures and I'm getting depressed from thinking, "
If I had just left 1 or 2 of my Star Wars toys unopened...".
Monkey starts preaching shit to me about some company that did a crappy job on some toy/movie
spin-off. My usual "
Shut the fuck up, you
monkey-ass Monkey!" is about to emerge but luckily he was distracted by a gigantic
Buzz Lightyear toy.
He's getting all aroused by pushing Buzz's buttons so I decide to give him some privacy.
I wander the isle.
I look at the
X-Men Famous Couple box set and contemplate the relationship between
Rogue and
Gambit. I look at the
She-Hulk and say "How long has it been since i was within 5 inches of a real breathing woman?"
(
sigh)
And then i heard a voice from through the shelf.
"I want to be your best-est friend!"
Me: "Did you hear that?"
Monkey: "Buzz?"
Me: "Not fucking
Buzz Lightyear! Something else."
Monkey: "The
Conan has a motion detecting light sensor..."(insert
Technobabble)"...or, Godzilla seems to go off frequently..."
Me: "Well no shit, ask Tokyo!"
But see, the place is empty.
There is only maybe 9 customers in the place including
Monkey and I. I cruise around the shelf edge and a feeling hits me, like all my vital organs are protesting my entering the next isle.
Sitting on the floor, in the middle of a very wide path, with no other related merchandise around it; there's
Barney.
It chuckled.
I called for
Monkey as I got closer.
The box says he is
touch activated. No light sensitivity. No sound activation advertised.
I tip him over with my foot. The sound of the cardboard echoes. He looks straight up at me.
I ask "How'd you get over here?".
I start to leave to find
Monkey and up from the floor comes "
Name something yellow!"
"MONK!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Monkey Boy comes in the isle looking pretty scared, like he thinks I broke something or I am in a fight with
security. He looks down at
Barney and says "Don't!", thinking I was abusing the little bastard dinosaur. He picks it up and puts it back on the shelf.
It chuckles at him.
"See that?! It's evil, dude. I didn't move it. It was in the middle of the isle talking to me."
Monkey Boy smiled perversly and made Barney
deep throat 3 fingers, waiting for it to respond. It said nothing. He thrust his fist into the dino's orifice with more perversion then before, poking and prodding like a
butt vandal. Not a word did Barney offer in protest or praise.
Monkey's depraved smile faded. He thought
I broke Barney. He put it up on the shelf and inhaled, ready to preach to me
the woes of bad toy store behavior...
"
I love you."
Monkey stopped in mid-"Don't" and looked at the
Purple Dinosaur; half relieved that it functioned, and half shocked. He poked it's belly. nothing. He squeezed it's foot. Nothing. He tweaked the grinning fuck in the nose with a light shake. Nothing.
He carefully lifted the box to read for a clue to the sporadic behavior.
"I like to play games!"
Finally
Monkey understood my fear.
He put the
Beast of Two Flat Teeth back on the floor and backed away.
"Lets sing a song!"
We tried to occupy ourselves with the contents of the next isle but every time we forgot about
Barney,
the purple bastard chimed in with another invitation to his evil games. We moved on to the
Lego section where the air was less... tainted. Problem being that to leave the store we would have to choose between the satanic dino isle or the jungle of
baby dolls and
accesories. Well,
we're stupid, but not
short bus stupid. WE'RE MEN DAMNIT! To the
Barney isle!
When we passed by the row again there was a heavy tension. We both wondered, without saying, if
Barney was still aware of our presence. I catch it in the corner of my eye. Just as we cleared the isle I sighed in relief.
"Cool".
"Super-dee-duper!"
"FUCK!"
That does it. I charged towards the tyrant. Aimed the
foot rest of my
wheelchair dead at the bastard's
rank mouth. Split seconds before his decapitation...
"Let's hug!"
Shocked, I swerved. Sliding on a freshly waxed floor,
I sideswiped the foul purple thing. He spun and was on his back again.
Monkey moved in quickly.
He grabbed the queer lizard and as he stuffed it, facing backwards into the shelf, it
giggled maniacally.
We looked at each other and
conveyed a need to leave this brimstone building.
We tried to take our time and browse a little more,
as not to raise suspicions of wrong-doing. All the while
Barney called to us, louder then before. His voice amplified and echoing after being turned in towards the hollow
sheet metal shelves.
Barney is evil.
I shudder to think about the goings on when the store closes.