and I are going to see Howard Stern
's Private Parts
on opening night.
Toys "R" Us
is a 2 minute walk from the theater so we usually indulge Monkey
's toy fetish with a browse
through the action figure
s and the Lego
We get in Toys "R" Us
is pestering me on my intent to shoplift
We look at all the New Star Wars Figures
and I'm getting depressed from thinking, "If I had just left 1 or 2 of my Star Wars toys unopened...
starts preaching shit to me about some company that did a crappy job on some toy/movie spin-off
. My usual "Shut the fuck up
, you monkey-ass
Monkey!" is about to emerge but luckily he was distracted by a gigantic Buzz Lightyear
He's getting all aroused by pushing Buzz's buttons so I decide to give him some privacy.
I wander the isle.
I look at the X-Men
Famous Couple box set and contemplate the relationship between Rogue
. I look at the She-Hulk
and say "How long has it been since i was within 5 inches of a real breathing woman?"
And then i heard a voice from through the shelf.
"I want to be your best-est friend!"
Me: "Did you hear that?"
Me: "Not fucking Buzz Lightyear
! Something else."
: "The Conan
has a motion detecting light sensor..."(insert Technobabble
)"...or, Godzilla seems to go off frequently..."
Me: "Well no shit, ask Tokyo!"
But see, the place is empty. There is only maybe 9 customers in the place
and I. I cruise around the shelf edge and a feeling hits me, like all my vital organs are protesting my entering the next isle.
Sitting on the floor, in the middle of a very wide path, with no other related merchandise around it; there's Barney
I called for Monkey
as I got closer.
The box says he is touch
activated. No light sensitivity. No sound activation advertised. I tip him over with my foot
. The sound of the cardboard echoes. He looks straight up at me.
I ask "How'd you get over here?".
I start to leave to find Monkey
and up from the floor comes "Name something yellow!
comes in the isle looking pretty scared, like he thinks I broke something or I am in a fight with security
. He looks down at Barney
and says "Don't!", thinking I was abusing the little bastard dinosaur. He picks it up and puts it back on the shelf.
It chuckles at him.
"See that?! It's evil, dude. I didn't move it. It was in the middle of the isle talking to me."
smiled perversly and made Barney deep throat
3 fingers, waiting for it to respond. It said nothing. He thrust his fist into the dino's orifice with more perversion then before, poking and prodding like a butt vandal
. Not a word did Barney offer in protest or praise. Monkey
's depraved smile faded. He thought I broke Barney
. He put it up on the shelf and inhaled, ready to preach to me the woes of bad toy store behavior
"I love you
stopped in mid-"Don't" and looked at the Purple Dinosaur
; half relieved that it functioned, and half shocked. He poked it's belly. nothing. He squeezed it's foot. Nothing. He tweaked the grinning fuck in the nose with a light shake. Nothing. He carefully lifted the box to read for a clue to the sporadic behavior
"I like to play games!"
understood my fear.
He put the Beast of Two Flat Teeth
back on the floor and backed away.
"Lets sing a song!"
We tried to occupy ourselves with the contents of the next isle but every time we forgot about Barney
, the purple bastard chimed in with another invitation to his evil games
. We moved on to the Lego
section where the air was less... tainted. Problem being that to leave the store we would have to choose between the satanic dino isle or the jungle of baby doll
s and accesories
. Well, we're stupid
, but not short bus
stupid. WE'RE MEN DAMNIT! To the Barney
When we passed by the row again there was a heavy tension. We both wondered, without saying, if Barney
was still aware of our presence. I catch it in the corner of my eye. Just as we cleared the isle I sighed in relief.
That does it. I charged towards the tyrant. Aimed the foot rest
of my wheelchair
dead at the bastard's rank
mouth. Split seconds before his decapitation...
Shocked, I swerved. Sliding on a freshly waxed floor, I sideswiped the foul purple thing
. He spun and was on his back again.
moved in quickly.
He grabbed the queer lizard and as he stuffed it, facing backwards into the shelf, it giggle
We looked at each other and conveyed a need to leave this brimstone building
We tried to take our time and browse a little more, as not to raise suspicions of wrong-doing
. All the while Barney
called to us, louder then before. His voice amplified and echoing after being turned in towards the hollow sheet metal
Barney is evil
I shudder to think about the goings on when the store closes.