I am left with that sad confused feeling that always happens a few days after E. Still parts of the weekend were wonderful. I am a consumer right now, not creative. So many things are wrong, lost or broken, imperfect, imperfect, imperfect, but I do not have the energy to fix them. I am hungry and nauseous.

The wonderful things we did on Saturday morning make me smile. I told her I loved her over and over again. I told her why I neede to hear her say it more often. I told her how beautiful she looked, just like that. I won't say like what, that's personal and obscene. I kissed her and wished for a five-foot tongue.

I went outside in the cold winter sunlight, just a few steps, and lay down. I came back inside and told them how wonderful the wet grass smelled. They stared at me. I had bits of grass and dew clinging to my jersey.

The hours flew by and then we had to try to sleep.