I first published this WU saying it was a freewriting exercise, but now I'm not so sure. I've been editing it & stuff...so perhaps it isn't. Please, don't let these words stain your views of it too much as you read on.
Perhaps my assumptions about a fair world are incorrect. Perhaps my head is really fucked up and I don’t have a dammed clue about how the world really works. I wonder why I dwell on such ideas; other people seem to have such a clear view of how the world works. I justify my ambivalence by thinking to myself "Oh yeah, they’re wrong."
It’s an easy-cop-out kind of solution. I mean, I could just say anything to justify the way I do shit. It irritates me. I am also really really really terrified about the fact that the book report for the Environmental Issues class is due today and I really had no f***ing clue that it was. I am absolutely terrified about this fact. I actually have not done anything at all toward getting it done; I’ve barely read. I just let the low hum of depression sink in. Depression is wrong. Depression is wrong because this illness I have is wrong and depression is an embarrassing cause. This idea that it’s not depression is silly, almost, in my depressed moods. I often wonder if I’m just totally depressed and that’s it. It is almost easier to believe so, but that would be sliding into self-pity and self-pity is the enemy. I don’t know exactly why it is, but it is. A noder on Everything2 once said1 that self-pity is psychic B-O. I am afraid she might be right, but then instead of self-pitying I’m self-conscious. Oh, woe is me.
Wow, writing about this stuff is kind of fun, I didn’t realize writing could be fun. I always had negative associations around writing. Isn’t that silly? I think it is.
1: Click on the link up there (or this one) and scroll down to point number 12
Ugh, some more stuff I guess, but I really should be doing this other thing that draws me. OH well...bleah.
So I haven't really told mom and pop about my not doing so well in this class. Hell, I've outright lied. This is not new, but I still hold on to my self-ideal of me (& us) the overachiver(s) (if not the somewhat antisocial and/or boring overachiever). I like this image. Society says this image is good for people at least somewhat out of childhood.