This morning when I was looking under my bed for some pants
, I found a dead mouse
instead. It kind of freaked me out, the thought that I had been sleeping on top of a little stinky mouse skeleton
was so weird and gross that I wanted to puke
but started crying instead - I’m not that much of a morning person
I guess. My cats entered the room, saw the mouse and started playing with its corpse
. I tried to explain them that they should not play with the mouse cause it had been a living creature
once with smart little eyes and tiny paws but they didn’t listen and secretly I hoped they’d eat the mouse or whatever it is that cats
do to mice
cause it really was a disgusting sight.
I walked over to the living room where I found cold pizza lying on the table next to an empty bottle of wine and it suddenly occurred to me that I might just be the loneliest person on earth. I stood there pondering a while but then I sat down and told myself not to be silly. The loneliest person on earth, that’d be Jesus, at least that’s what I had been taught during my Christian education. Besides, everybody feels lonely, utterly lonely, why would I be lonelier than others? I concluded that there were many levels of loneliness, and I probably didn’t even experience the worst level yet, but I should really stop using so much crack. Then I ate the pizza and rushed to work.
The problem with my life is not that it’s boring or purposeless. It’s mostly the fact that everything feels so surreal that bothers me. Many have the feeling that they’re living their lives in the ‘third person’ sometimes, but for me the feeling just won’t stop. Life around me is just so saddening hilarious.
When it was 1 PM I left the office cause I had an appointment with some guy named Khan, we were intending to have a jam session and I had even been carrying my guitar on my back the entire day, something that must have looked pretty odd now that I come to think of it. I entered the place we should be having this jam session in, a squatter’s house filthy as hell, and everyone was either stoned or drunk so it was doubtful we’d still have that jam session. I found Khan and told him he was a jerk and he was wasting his fucking life but he just grinned at me and called me sexy. Then he turned around and stared at the wall and called it very sexy. Damn I hate it when he does that.
I had no choice but going home again. My cats looked contented and the mouse had disappeared. I listened to Leonard Cohen and after that to Kurt Elling and then I coded a suicide function in the source of tetrix 1.13.16. It somehow felt like a proper thing to code.
Hell, it’s been some day.