I do too many drugs. I've been this way since I was a kid, and discovered for the first time that you feel funny if you breathe the fumes from rubber cement. I joined Narcotics Anonymous when I was sixteen, and stuck with it for four years, until I realized that there's only so much therapeutic benefit to be gained from hugging a 300 pound biker who's obsessed with Jesus.

I was really into LSD for a while when I was fifteen and sixteen, and I probably took about 200 total hits of acid over the course of six months. The undeniable insanity brought about by this level of chemical meddling is the reason I ended up in the 12 step cult. I was spiraling down into a self-destructive insanity, and those people offered me help and salvation (in exchange for my free will, I would eventually come to understand).

Upon leaving the stifling comfort of church basements, I went off the deep end a bit. For years, people had been telling me what I could or could not put into my body, without any true reasons or justification that applied to me and my life (in fact, any sort of justification or motivation was generally frowned upon, in favor of blind faith), and I guess I needed to rebel. I vowed to never drop acid again, but I went on a bit of a bender with everything else I could get my hands on (only hippie drugs, though, none of the hard shit).

Now, about nine months later, I think I'm finally starting to stabilize. Smoking pot everyday makes me paranoid and apathetic. Drinking too much makes me irresponsible and sickly. Ecstasy just freaks me out (although it feels really fucking good while it's doing it). I wish I could have learned how to chemically alter myself in a controlled and responsible fashion, but, whenever something feels that good, I want to do it over and over again until I die.

Maybe, when I get my shit together, I'll be able to casually smoke a bowl with my friends. Maybe I'll even be able to drop acid, eat some shrooms, or go on a DMT trip, and rediscover myself in an intensely spiritual journey. I can't do these things now, though, as much as I want to. My brain's chemistry is just too fucked up, and there's too many painful stimuli in my life. Pretty much the only thing I feel like I can do anymore, without getting fucked up and depressed, is drink beer (I can hardly even handle vodka anymore).

So, for now, and for me, I'm laying off the drugs. I'm not quitting, and I'm not going to refuse to hang out with people because they do drugs. I still think marijuana, LSD, and many other psychedelics are wonderful things, and that most of the people on this earth can benefit from their mind-opening effects, I just happen to not be one of those people right now.