This has been a trying week. For really the first time in my life, I found it hard to
stand up for what I believe in. Over the
New Year's weekend, my
boyfriend and I went to
St. Augustine, FL to visit some very good friends of ours,
Amaranth and
Paul.
As we all sat around, waiting for the ball to drop, the discussion of being faithful to your partner came up. I was the only one who believed that it was NOT ok to "share" your partner. They brought up the point about "Well, what if you need something your partner isn't giving you?" I feel that if you need something your partner isn't giving you, you first ask for whatever it is, be it emotional support, something sexual, ect. If your partner can't/won't give that to you, I don't believe you were meant to be.
My boyfriend claims that Amaranth and Paul are swingers, and were setting us up to ask us about....well, you know, swinging. That was a totally new situation for me, and to be honest, it was very odd. I am not saying that there is something wrong with the swinger lifestyle. Its just not my gig.
I'm not good at sharing. I must have missed that day in Kindergarden, but I am just not good at it. I feel what my boyfriend and I share is for us, and us alone. I would hope I give him all he wants and needs. I feel it is my job to do so, and in return, he gives me all I want and need.
On Friday, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I have lived with people before, hell I've even been married, but this is the first time anyone has asked me to move in with them. It felt pretty good to hear him ask. I felt so wanted. I know that sounds kind of silly, but its true.
Also, last night, I found out that while my boyfriend was away on vacation, he felt up some other woman's tits. We hadn't been together officially for very long, and I don't know if that's a valid excuse or not. Maybe I am trying somehow to justify it. He knows a swinger couple (wow, swingers are coming up a lot in this daylog), and the woman apparently had just gotten a boob job. She wanted more then her brests felt, but nothing more was done. I knew something had happened while he was away, since I asked him about 20 times and could never get an answer out of him. I should have been prepaired to hear something I didn't want to hear. But, I wasn't. I'm not going to lie, it hurt. It felt as if someone stabbed me in my heart. I wasn't angry. Just hurt. He knew he couldn't justify it, and he even said as much. I am still not quite sure how I feel about it. Of course, I will move on. I love him more then life itself.
I think I am ok. At least, I hope so.