Rate Your Vertical (idea)

Rate your vertical:

1,000 Vertical Feet
You wuss! Even back country skiers can hike and ski this in an hour or less. Unless you are in Kansas I am not impressed. I have done 1,000 feet in a day on an inner tube at the local park! On the other hand, in -40 degree temperatures even getting out of bed deserves a trophy.
-Rating: Hikers- Go back to bed. Lifites- Work on developing Rigor Mortis because you must be DEAD!

3,000 Vertical Feet
This is the average day of the back country skier, at least for those with legs-O-JellO who are there for the sake of showing up. If you are only doing 3,000 a day then you have never felt lactic acid in your life.
-Rating: Hikers- Jelly donught and cold coffee Lifites- You better be sleeping, only excuse

5,000 Vertical Feet
Now you can claim to be a back country skier. After this much hiking a macho-tough-guy can feel pretty good and live with himself at least another week. But a pansy will whine about aching quads and will probably stay home the next time. New-Bs will be looking for the truck that hit them. For lift riders (like me) 5,000 is about what a 6 year old can do riding the Bunny Hill all day.
-Rating: Hikers- Drinking a bottle of Tabasco Sauce (c) Lifties- Sleep-walking

10,000 Vertical Feet
Back country skiers are maxing out now in a biiiiiiig way! This much lactic acid would eat a hole in an engine block. People that log this much in the back country must chain drink Red Bull (tm) and have disastrous childhood insecurities. Now to the lift riders: those who arrive at 2 pm that is (infidels, you know who you are). You might be able to squeak out 10,000 off a rusty two seater. Bring spray-on wind burn and fake hat-hair or prepare to be heckled right off the slopes. I guess it is better than sitting on the couch with a bucket of chicken
-Rating Hikers- I bow down before thee, I am unworthy to lug your gear back to the car! Lifties- Marathon dancing with a narcoleptic on Valium

15,000 Vertical Feet
A few sad, lonely people might consider this a good day. Such a pitiful score only counts if the resort only has one rope tow and the line is one person away from a Japanese Michael Jackson concert, you take a looooong lunch break (three courses) and you have only one ski.
-Rating: Eating that fuzzy, moving thing at the back of the fridge.

20,000 Vertical Feet
This is a great day Heli-skiing. If this is the best you can do on the chord, buy a thigh master, quick!
-Rating: A bucket of glacier water full in the face at 4:00 AM.

30,000 Vertical Feet
For an out-of-shape bucket of KFC, this would be exausting on the chord. But this same number for extreme skiers is impressive to say the least. It is simple math, the less ski to snow contact on the way back to the lift, the more pride you are allowed. This is substandard for the gym honed and vertically obsessed.
-Rating: Walking-- no, strolling over a bed of hot coals, just because it was in the way

40,000 Vertical Feet
Given that a ski day lasts a wee seven hours this figure can only be attained with high speed quads and trams, or on a day with no lift lines, lunch stops or "potty" breaks. This is where you learn the value of a big bladder and a PowerBar on the lift. Others will hate you for your boundless energy and try to degrade you with obscenities.
-Rating: Going off an inclined truck bed (you know what I mean) in your car at 70 MPH because you "felt like it."

50,000 Vertical Feet
This is where you had better know how to dodge the speed busting Ski Patrol. By the time the lifts close your legs are saturated with lactic acid and you are nearing spiritual perfection. As you come to your final stop members of the opposite sex fall to their knees or faint. Your ass is so tight you can't scratch without ripping out a nail. Your legs are 100 lb. each, you taste bile and are so tired as you lean over your poles that you don't notice the string of drool flapping in the wind.
-Rating: You are a Kevorkian survival story

60,000 Vertical Feet
Fat chance, pal.

300,000 Vertical Feet
You are a god, I bow before thee!