The broken will of Sir Norris
day one - day two - day three - day four
The sound of the burning tobacco crackling off into ash, the smoke curling into the cold night air, mixing gently with your breath. Shared smokes on dark roads late at light or in sheltered hideouts at work or in the overgrown lane before school, our exhaled smoke combining as we shiver in the winter frost. Half-time cigarettes at distant football grounds in drizzling rain. That last, solitary cigarette at night, alone in the garden staring at the stars. The well-known feeling of a skinny rolled-up cigarette between nicotine-stained fingers. Filling an ashtray over a many a cup of black coffee and a scribbled-on notebook in a run-down cafe.
So I mentioned in yesterday's daylog that I would cease the everyday daylogging I had begun. However I also stated my intention to break my addiction, but last night I gave in. I accepted and smoked a cigarette. And it was glorious; the feel of the hot smoke hitting the back came to me as a long-lost friend returning; warm and comfortable.
So many of my memories involve smoking. So many shared cigarettes. So many friends I met solely because of our shared affliction. So many thoughts and ideas I would never have had if I had not sought a place to smoke in solitude.
After over ten years -- 87600 hours -- of smoking, I thought that 48 hours of not smoking was such an achievement; It had been fifty-four hours since my last cigarette, before I fell.
There are many nodes on here about smoking, giving up, cigaretetes, why we smoke, why we shouldn't smoke, why we should smoke, why smoking's cool, why smoking's stupid... I read pretty much all of them last night. There are some amazing words written about smoking. There is so much romance and atmosphere in these nodes -- or is that my mind playing tricks on me? Attaching importance to my chemical-induced reward. Then the real cravings hit me. I accepted a cigarette. The weakness inside can come out and be seen by all, symbolised by the rising smoke.
It was a calm decision to start smoking again; there was no guilt, no shame. Just like it was a calm decision to give up again afterwards. The mellow afterglow in my nicotine-warmed body was being replaced by the hell of the last two days of cold turkey and I don't want to feel that again.
I've read a lot about techniques for giving up, and it occurs to me that I just wan't ready; I wasn't adequately prepared. So that's my new focus: to do it by the book; set a date, organise myself, analyse what makes me smoke and attack each cause one by one.
Thanks again to those of you who have /msged me support and help. I haven't given up giving up just yet...
It's been twelve hours since my last cigarette...
day one - day two - day three - day four