The long search is over.

Finally, after years of uncomfortable testing, I've found them - the perfect pair of underwear.

I have an obsession with comfort. It's, by far, the most important aspect of anything and everything. If I'm comfortable then I'm happy; it's as simple as that. You know how socks, after a few laundry cycles, have oriented themselves with a particular foot? Fresh out of the bag, a sock is neutral; the toe is perfectly rounded on either side but, after wearing them once, the big toe has stretched out one of the edges a bit and even laundering won't correct it. From that day forward, the sock has chosen a side, be it right or left. Eventually, the sock can never go back to neutral no matter how many times you wear the Right Sock on the Left Foot, it will always be the Right Sock. A standard tube sock orients itself by two factors:

1. The Heel - A neutral tube sock has no top or bottom until you wear it once. After that, The Heel has stretched out a little home for itself and it becomes possible to wear the sock upside down (never do this.)

2. The Toe - The Big Toe will stretch out a little home for itself creating the Big Toe Indentation. This is very difficult to reverse and should only be attempted if you lose 2 socks and are stuck with the dreaded Same Footed Pair (one of the many forms of evil.)

It's easy to maintain a working, comfortable pair of opposing socks by labeling them "L" and "R." A Sharpie works fine but a gentleman would embroider the letters using a curvy script (something the ladies will love.) I've never been a gentleman (because I'm way too hardcore) so a simple Sharpie has solved my sock issues for many years. Any of you who know me (which is no one 'cause ya'll are a bunch of freaks!) know that I wouldn't be caught dead without a labeled pair of opposing socks (one of the many forms of everything that is pure and true.)

But underwear...

I thought I had found the pair to beat all pairs but the availability shrunk while the price rose. Some corporate bastard must have known a good thing when he found it and made my underwear as easy to find as a fnord (and equally as important.)

The search is over. Hanes® has unexpectedly created their masterpiece. So soft, they wear like a pair of prayers. So "unencumbering", it's like running nude through a field of awesome. I'm proud to have my boys cradled gently in their comforting (and comfortable) hands (that's right - I said it!) The waistband is covered by the same magic material that the rest of the undergarment is made from (cotton, I think) creating a seamless unit of pleasure.

All undies are NOT created equal and Hanes® has birthed the messiah (only, hopefully it won't be crucified for Mel Gibson and all of mankind.) Comfort goes by a new name: Hanes® Knit Boxers with ComfortSoft™ waistband.